Borderline shore

new9I am not yet indifferent to you

but when that day comes

and it will

the memory will not touch me

or cause disquiet

it will be as if you had never existed

a fracture in a line

disorder in our palm

all the things we thought precious

went up in the fire

you lit

what did you expect?

dead people don’t attend funerals

I left behind your ash and your cane

I stayed the part of me that had been driven mad

by your waxing and your wane

she can retrieve the broken parts and throw them on the pyre

I want no more of it

your number is lost

your address a fog

I cannot even imagine what I ever saw

in the dogged creases of you

perhaps I had long-lost

my reasons for why it was you

I held on as an addict does with nothing better to do

slurping lines with pinched nostril and crossed fingers

but now it seems anything is better

than another misfit lock and key

too long I spent underground in your echo

tortured by your guilt and misery

I wondered

can I advance?

without the shackles and weight of years

can I undo the harm you piecemeal? or will I remain

a prisoner?

rotting behind your indifference

then I recalled

how you made me feel I was wrong

not to be beside myself with glee

as you and your weak blend of madness seemed

surfing your mercury with divination rod

I had thought this was true but it was another of your lies

you are the saddest person I know

I do not need to be happy all the time

to enjoy the sun rise

I was never caustic liquor

I ran a little lighter

didn’t need to own the world

to feel a tinge of pleasure

it is my way and now you cannot condemn me

as every day you stuck another splinter between my ribs

sealing me in boxes, sending me on my way

I hadn’t known you were fond of sticking pins in dolls

until they woke me from sleep and I took them out

each hole you made needed repair and some of me

will always find it hard to float without leaking

but anything is better than sharing time with a captain

piloting doomed vessel, short-sight rubbed raw

seeking ruin against borderline shore


24 thoughts on “Borderline shore

  1. Candice, leaving a toxic relationships is freeing, even when it is not a romantic one. I no longer work with a narcissist and it is so much easier than having to tip toe around his ego. Leaving a toxic romantic one is even more liberating. Well done, my dear, Keith

  2. I love the power of regaining power in all of this! “Dead people don’t attend funerals” ….my God, what a wake up call to start to live again. Self worth reigns and life rejoices each day you follow your dreams and not your death! So wonderfully written with subtle tones which carry such crushing weight. Blessings for all of your days!

  3. I, too, liked the ‘dead people’ line. You write about a painful process. The indifference reminds me of the words of an old friend who had the capacity to stir love or hate, He said that he accepted either, but that the worst anyone could say about him was that he was boring.

  4. This. I have been there as you know and here you are seemingly having been in my head and expressed it all much better than I could ever dream of doing myself. Fucking perfect.

  5. I think it’s a hard subject to ‘get right’ because of the person in question not even seeing it, and often we believe if they don’t see it maybe it’s not there (o but it is!) !!!!

  6. Ah I’m so glad you thought so. The wake up call to live … very true. I have felt this though as anyone with depression can attest, you can claim to understanding intellectually but then the reality is somewhat different isn’t it?

  7. Yes very true. I recall that story you told me and I agree, this is such a positive step to leave that toxic environment, you were a saint to be so patient not sure I could have been.

  8. You capture these emotions with such accuracy and weight. Your writing is beautiful as always and resonates deeply with me ๐Ÿ’› you truly have a gift with language

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