The undead heart

b7e9260585815d324f4850ebd699eaf3In my head

there’s a record on a turn table glossy and black

when it gets to certain grooves I recognize the play of needle over vinyl and each crackle is a familiar passage through well-worn emotion

I turn everything on to create loudness

to expunge what I hear by drowning out

the washing machine, the dish washer, the blender, the coffee grinder, the lawn mower, the radio, the alarm clock, the hair dryer

I run the bath, I run the shower, I run the sprinkler, I run the garbage disposal, I run away from the song

It has one word going round and round

one face, one memory, two memories, a thousand

a wrist with a silver bracelet on, flung in sleep against burgundy sheet

every time you brushed the hair away from my eye, every squeeze of our fingers captured, every kiss, every smile, every year I see the wave of loss it is not so far beyond turbulence

today the clouds will not clear, I get in the car, I tune to the loudest song, I scream as I drive, years burning my eyes, straining to see through my own download

If I had a name for it that name would be wreckage, ruin, destruction, destroyed, unplug  me, burn it out, scold,  defeat, disintegrate, desolate, muted, drowning and burning at once

I would be a legion of black horses sweating sorrow

I would be a night never turning into tomorrow

I would be a shroud worse than death for the one glimmer

that hurts the worst and makes you hold your breath ever deeper

a chain, a spike, a hammer, a knife

and all I felt was love

and all I wanted was you

and all I am is nothing

It plays round and round

like two hands cupping sound

no amount of running or noise can disturb

the undead heart

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66 thoughts on “The undead heart

  1. Omfg Candice this is EVERYTHING!
    “I would be a legion of black horses sweating sorrow” is one favourite because it really speaks to me but all of it. All of it! You express what we (most of us) have felt like nobody else, all those dark emotions are there in your words just staring at us and glaring and it is impossible to ignore them and it makes you want to shut your eyes and dive under the covers because your heart has just been squeezed and you just…can’t. Fuck, you are so SO talented.

  2. Thank you so much! It means everything Manon that you should think this expresses what you feel and I know I must have it right if you think so. I don’t think I can conjur light and happy words as easily it must be said. I shall leave the passionate for you and I shall bring up the darkness thank you for supporting me with your words and friendship if you knew what you meant to me and how often I think of you and it helps me get through lonely times, then you would realize the strength of your existence

  3. You don’t need to conjur light and happy words when you can do THIS. Though I know you could if you had to, but you’re simply expressing your soul and your experiences so of course it’s going to come easier. Though…people don’t “talk” about happy, do they?
    Imagine calling your friend to complain about your partner…most people have done that hundreds of times…but do they pick up the phone to share the news that everything is great and lovely and nothing is happening because they are happy? No.
    So, happiness doesn’t need to be told, it just is.
    Which takes me back to my original comment and the fact you’re a queen.

  4. For some reason Queen reminds me of Queen Bee and Queen Bee reminds me of a Roald Dahl book called Kiss Kiss (or it could have been Over to You) and in it there is a story called Royal Honey that basically freaked my shit so badly as a kid. I think you and I live inside our books – did you ever read The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Luis Zafon it’s brilliant incase you didn’t

  5. BTW you make a really valuable point, I think often we ‘shy’ away from people for fear of being judged for being depressive and that’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. I shall think on that more, thank you for reminding me of that. Today this guy wrote this nasty-gram on WP about a comment I made, he basically said that writers who had writers block were ‘lazy’ so I said the usual ‘people in glass houses shouldn’t be so liable to judge’ and he wrote this patronizing shit answer saying ‘namaste’ at the end, I wanted to shove it down his throat because WTF? passive-aggressive self-agrandizing asshole. Where is our sword when we need it? So fed up of FAKE ASS BUDDHISTS

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