Third time lucky

006-alfred-eisenstaedt-theredlist

The proverb

“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”

Was in my mind when

I chose to forgive a third time

it was easy to say “if you hurt me again”

fill in the blank

but promises only matter if the person intends

to keep them

with your borderline posed to strike

it was impossible to calculate

if I would be cast again into fire

the only chance

how I chose to see the play

sacrifice the Pawn

save the Queen

it’s not that I’m especially important

but cruelty

cruelty is perhaps the last sin

unforgiving as karma

shows you the way out

you didn’t know it was only you I forgave

the other one who scratched I cast

far into the ocean

didn’t need their infernal clamor

they, just wreckage from a bad storm

I unfortunate to pass by at the wrong time

you were different

there was always something in the depth

of your eyes and quiet strength

yes I confess

I wanted not to lose you

but I could have said the same

when my mom closed the door quietly

packed her bags and went

see, you think you have me figured

maybe you do

aside one element I keep pretty tight

I’m stronger than even I know

it’s what happens when you get used to

let-downs

when you came and went third time and said

I don’t believe in you anymore

I don’t trust you

I think you’re shit basically

in the clear light of day I could see

this wasn’t about me

this wasn’t factual

sometimes others will believe

oh you must have something to do with it

just as the shallow person who told me

you’ve got a track record of being left

tried to leave her barb

what did she with her haikus know

of patterns? she needed rules to write

I had fucking wings

now she’s just

a taste in my throat I want to spit out

I grew up then when I learned

accusations may sting

but they’re not truth and those

who are weak enough to seize upon them

are just fools

with hypocrisy in their veins instead of blood

but you were different

you were my sister of the plains

we shared French blood

I admired you

it wasn’t enough

you cannot force someone to feel

or undo the damage wrought

in their mind before you met

it’s only necessary that you know

when it’s not because of you

which can be hard if you’re prone to guilt

that’s how we grow and develop armor

perhaps we won’t even trust

the next person who comes up

palms flat

asking for succor

or perhaps we will

because to shut the door

hurts only

the one who is left standing

when you tried to blow her down

erase her

when you hated yourself so much

you had to try to destroy

the mirror image

who refused

to shatter

stubbornly she still reflects

what you hate

about yourself and

what she loves

about you

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31 thoughts on “Third time lucky

  1. I don’t understand people who can be definitive about how many chances they give. I can’t do it. Until they cross one or two lines that I have, I can’t cut them loose. And I know this borderline woman, who only comes to me when she needs me but I can’t let her fall away because what if she comes to me because I’m the only one listening, the only one trying to see and get her to see herself. I saw my whole relationship with her in this.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I understand this very well. Growing up I had to forgive some hard things, it gave me a weakness where I forgave things others would not. After a girl on WP basically told me it was my fault I lost two friends (she didn’t even know the wherewithall of it) I decided I needed to protect myself against the crap others put out, I mean most of the time it’s got nothing to do with us, it’s their drama. I feel sorry for them but I also need to survive. I get less hurt now when people betray me, I realize it’s not about me. But that doesn’t make it right. I truly believe in karma, what comes around goes around, likewise I believe in not hating someone for doing something evil, they may not even be thinking of you. Borderline is a little different but I have long felt you shouldn’t not be friends with someone just because they are Borderline, then again it’s hard.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m friends with her because I love her. Because I see who she hides and what persona she hides behind. I know why she comes to me. But each time, she trusts a little more. She’s been hurt too. In her youth though she is still young. I won’t allow myself to be used but I won’t turn away. I speak honestly and plainly. I can’t believe in a cosmic force setting things to right. I’ve seen too much. Instead I do as I will, choosing to act or not act as I can. Always aware of the people I love.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I am all too close to knowing this feeling in others and the reflection I see being cast back at myself affecting the way I feel about myself. Sometimes through your poetry you make me see things Candice that I know are apparent to my minds eye…yet I fight my psyche to not see it at times… 🙂

    So thank you dear. xo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you P. I had two ‘friends’ actually met here on WP-Land, one of them told me ‘the reason you keep losing friends is something to do with you’ (nice) truth was, she was referring to two friends, not an army, and she was just full of spite, I moved on, better for it, but then a friend I’d forgiven and felt close to again, went off again, on some sort of exodus mentally which I totally get, but using me as a battering ram, I realize my part in it, forgiving people too many times, I need to self-protect as others do, and not be so forgiving. It is a hard lesson but the good thing, I don’t feel as hurt or crushed by it, just a little tired and worn out by the drama people need in their lives. Me? I am simple. I just need truth. I can handle painful truths better than ever before. I see the truth here and I wrote this not as revenge but to process the madness of someone rubbing off on you and making you briefly feel like you were going mad, when really you weren’t even anything to do with it, just caught in the cross fire.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Yes! I can see the truth in this through a friend of 20 plus years who just turned her back on me. She sees in me the strength that is missing in her and she is scared, and instead of flinging insults at herself, is flinging them at me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s shocking how many people experience this, a friend on FB had the same experience, someone she’d known years, and it seems inexplicable, but she told me, she felt a relief because if someone you believe you love and loves you, is capable of this, even with twisted reasoning, it says something about what they feel about you. Someone who really loved you could not punish you like that, so it means they did not mean it, even though that doesn’t make sense. Perhaps it’s that they meant it THEN in those good days, but not now. Friendship isn’t a phase, it shouldn’t be anyway, it should be life-long and can be still, but those who don’t hold on, and worse, blame you for their reason, are just as you say, flinging at you the insults they feel are being hurled at them by the world. Maybe it is because she could trust you that you was able to treat you this way. It is no consolation if anything that is worse. But the common truth of ‘not needing someone who only seeks to harm’ is so true. It is one thing to care, it is another to let someone destroy you. The first time it happened to me, I let it nearly destroy me. Recently I read a book about how the temptation to blame oneself for things, is the crux of sadness, and why those who are brought up being put down, often reach for it. If you learn that you are free. I am not completely free but I am not hurt by this, I am set loose of it. I cannot say I am glad, but I am glad not to be mistaken for someone who deserves that treatment and that same is true of you, nobody deserves to be treated badly, just like a woman scorned, a friend who becomes an enemy is the most vindictive. I make a point of not seeking any type of revenge in this life, I believe in karma, and the balance of life, those who seek revenge are eaten up by it. HUGS I hope you know you are worth so much more than that type of crappy behavior

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Thank you so much! I’m working really hard to believe that it isn’t me and I have made it very clear to this friend (who I believe is suffering in a bad relationship, again) that I will be here for her when she is at a different place and able to see where her pain is coming from. In the meantime, yes, it still hurts badly as she was my closest friend, someone who I could always count on, and now she is gone. I miss her. My post “Stay” is about her. She has seen me leave a narcissistic abusive relationship, battle addiction and mental illness, and come out on the other side, stronger and changed. And I think she sees herself now stuck in a narcissistic relationship and my strength is making her even more scared to have to admit that she has yet again made the same mistake she has made before and vowed never to make again. That is why I will be here for her when she recognizes and gathers the strength to come back to herself. Again, thank you so much for your kind words and support. Much love my friend ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I agree! I’m not going to take anymore insults or accusations. I think I have been a great friend to her, helping her in many ways, as she has done for me too. Hopefully she comes back, but for now she is gone and I’m trying to adjust to that.

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      3. It is very agonizing when you truly feel ‘you could have done nothing more’ and still it is not enough. That is because sometimes no matter how good you are to someone they will use up all the oxygen in the room and it’s not about you. I find it almost impossible not to take it personally but many things in this life are not personal and I’m trying to understand and appreciate that, as it sets us free from thinking ‘what did I do wrong’ which is the ‘go to’ when you have low self esteem isn’t it? Adjusting is hard. I have begun not to miss my best friend of childhood because I have begun to build a life without her, but it doesn’t happen over night does it?

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      4. Exactly! I keep questioning myself and beating myself up… but I know deep down, that even if I made a mistake, it shouldn’t end a 20 year relationship. So yes, it is on her. I’m also trying to live without my childhood best friend, who hasn’t really left (or maybe she has, I don’t know), but she doesn’t show up, that’s for sure. And losing her along with the other friend is hard, and yes, it’s taking a long time. There have been so many moments when I’ve thought I need to talk to “A” about this… then remember I can’t. It’s shitty! Thank you for your encouragement and support, I appreciate it so much ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Candice, you revealed the word “admired” later in the poem. Maybe we give someone we admired that the third (or more) try after being hurt. That admiration eventually loses its luster in a more painful way. Keith

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Well said and very accurate. It is hard when you admire someone as admiration is not a common thing, it’s earned and slow coming, when it arrives you are loathe to let go, and admit that it wasn’t what you thought it was entirely though often when dealing with unpredictability this is the case. I would say, we can admire a person without liking them – maybe that’s the compromise. We do not like their actions but we admire other things about them perhaps. This seems a fair balanced outcome to a difficult marriage of emotions.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Candice, good points. I think when the emotional relationship is added to the admiration it becomes even more difficult to let go. I do agree we learn what to do and what NOT to do from folks we admire, as they are not perfect. Keith

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Ah, this is amazing. One thought dominates though, now I’ve read it twice. I’m the eternal forgiver, I don’t give one or two chances I give lots because clearly I like being slapped in the face repeatedly or I really want to believe in people (better, more dignified answer) but I do think I’m kinda cured now. If you piss me off (and I mean as in betray me on a grand scale), I’ll cut you out. And I’ll make sure you regret having done it too. It’s that INFJ thing: “please don’t be an arsehole to me, because then I’ll have to be an arsehole to you…and I’m much better at being an arsehole than you are”. But, really, I’m old enough now that I won’t let this shit happen anymore. One strike and you’re out AND you unleash the fury. Simple as, it’s survival.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Unsurprisingly I was the same way too probably for the same reason. As with you, I’m ‘cured’ to the extent that I don’t forgive like I used to. About half a year ago a girl really was out of order, I never spoke to her again, it felt right to just cut her dead. In the past I would have put up with it, which isn’t right because it just gives them permission to treat you badly. If it were my doing/fault then that’s different, but if someone just plays games, well I’ve never been a game-player, friggin hated Monopoly 😉 And as for betrayal? OH YEAH I hear ya! BTW you totally missed that me and Vic were chit-chatting about YOU yesterday all over the place (tee hee)

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