I never grew out of needing a dragon tail

63f23c6809bddf9597b4c6236a8c747aThere is a girl I ‘know’ online, she’s a twenty-something artist and a writer and suffers from crippling social anxiety and it struck me, when I heard she suffered from social anxiety, that it was a great irony.

Why? Because I had concluded that with my own social anxiety, I would be ‘able’ to do a live poetry reading if I could somehow inhabit someone like her, change skins, climb into her person-suit and read the poetry through her eyes.

So obviously the next thought was … that’s really weird. Why would you be able to read your poetry aloud in front of people if you were her but not if you were you? The conclusion must have something to do with self-hatred on some level, but it’s also about what you want to project.

Sad to admit, I don’t want to project me. I want to project someone like a photographer may appreciate and project through that appreciation the beauty of someone else. I’m a behind-the-scenes type. I didn’t used to be, I was the belly dancer at the front of the school play, but the difference was, I still wore a mask. That time the mask was dark paint, a wig and a veil.

Some of us need veils or metaphoric veils or some type of guise to be ourselves. For me it used to be a few drinks – dutch courage. I didn’t even know it, but before going out I would swig a bit and then I could go through with it. Not a good method. When the ulcer nixed that option, I retreated further than I thought possible, unable to face going out without my mask.

I see others, people who are not attractive, people who are silly, people who are absurd, do it all the time, and I admire them and wonder, how is it that they can do this and I cannot? I’m not certain of anything other than, when you feel this way, it’s like you are under a microscope, on a petri-dish and everyone who looks your way is shining a light on you and you can’t stand the inspection.

It is an illusion or delusion of course, because people see individuals less and less these days than ever before! We truly can walk around and be invisible and ignored! But when you feel that scrutiny it’s like sunburn, you just have to get out of the sun even when it’s not really happening it feels like it is!

A few of my friends, normal, not overly attractive people, can stand up there and do anything and everything. They are admired because they appear to have no fear or they feel the fear and do it anyway. I despise my inability to do this, but I do not despise it in others, I understand it in others, I have empathy for it in others, so despising myself is another point of hypocrisy.

Any delusion is hypocritical. A feminist may starve herself because she sees a ‘fat girl’ in the mirror, who does not exist, and despite believing it doesn’t matter what you weigh, she’s caught up in it nevertheless. It’s like being hypnotized. If you take anxiety meds you are released from them, but it’s artificial. I have yet to find a ‘natural’ method, though much is made of natural cures, none have worked thus far.

All I’m really saying by this, is, how interesting to imagine, just by being someone else we could be ourselves. I think of those robot or clone films where people are asleep and send out their robot version. How much I dislike that idea of living and life, how I don’t like the idea of women behind veils, and yet, when I think of standing up and reading my work I want to put on the dragon suit I had as a little kid so badly. I want to wear it underneath myself (my true dragon self) as I did when I was a kid, and the teacher would pull out the tail and say ‘she’s done it again’ and call my dad.

I am you see, a dragon, and I want to be a dragon, and if I cannot be a dragon I would like to be my friend who looks a little like Jennifer Beal whom I liked very much in Flashdance and it’s not a creepy reason at all because I don’t fancy my friend, but I would be able to read my poetry out loud if I had her curly hair and brown skin. Ironically she is more scared than I am, and if I ever met her off WP I would say ‘what an irony, you are too scared to be you and I am too scared to be me, shall we be dragons?’

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74 thoughts on “I never grew out of needing a dragon tail

  1. I can fully understand this as I too have done the same at times. But I hope that you can and will find a way to stop the self -hating. It changes nothing and it only hurts you love! I still do it some but I’ve learned to pull myself up and out of it pretty darned quick nowadays‼ As I’ve told you before you’re beautiful you’re a bright you are talented and you are caring and compassionate so you don’t deserve anybody’s loathing nor your own!!! Je t’aime, N ❌⭕❤

  2. Ah! Look at all the people who feel similarly. I am a huge mess half the time but do manage to keep the stage makeup from smearing. One of these days, I’ll end up tripping over my costume!

  3. You’re welcome, I wanted to say thank-you for all of your generous compliments on my writing. And for reading my posts, it’s always nice when readers take the time to comment!

  4. You are so welcome. I try to do that when I can because I think like you do. Plus encouraging others and letting them know when they have done a good job is a valuable gift. Thank you for you. xx

  5. I think you come across as someone who is the opposite of a huge mess – if you are (and I am not convinced!) you hide it well or perhaps the side of you that is not, is bigger than you realize? Either way, I’d swap your huge mess for mine anyday! You have power in you – I hope you see it because I do.

  6. It’s something I learned relatively recently, that I dislike myself. I didn’t if you can believe it, realize that before. How is that possible? I think I was clouded by other things. I can’t even say why, other than I know it’s there, and need to work through it, but I am trying and I think that’s as much as we can do, maybe some of us just are colored differently I don’t really know why though. xo

  7. Photographers tend to be shy don’t they? As with poets – though of late everyone I meet seems to be extroverted, I’m certain it’s the increase in population causing us to believe there are only extroverts ‘out there’ because they’re the ones grabbing the headlines. Viva plastacine!

  8. I can’t believe I missed this post and so glad I came back to look at your blog (It hardly ever shows up in the reader). Anyway… OMG! I love this. The whole concept you are talking about is entirely true and at the same time, it’s entirely ridiculous and unfortunate that we think this way. I’m also so envious of people who can just be comfortable doing their thing. I remember in college (probably the most important thing I learned), that whenever I had to give a presentation, I volunteered immediately to go first, because if I sat there and waited, putting off the inevitable, that I would be a complete wreck unable to speak in complete sentences. I would like a lion costume to match my inner lion. Then we could romp around town and get into all kinds of shenanigans 😉

  9. Well I’ve found nothing to dislike in you and it looks to me that’s true of a host of your followers so perhaps you could see us through our eyes until you find your way back to self–liking❣️😊❤️

  10. You know it’s like poetry month etc (everyone is doing the ‘poem a day/ tanka a day / tampon a day’ (lemmings) well so I’m not but I was asked by a group here in shit-ville to read and lots of ‘famous’ poets were going to be there, initially I said yes (must have been on crack) then wrote to lady said no way can’t explained social anxiety big time, she was so nice, said she had it too, but I felt like a total tosser afterward but I just can’t do it. Anyway Naomi Nye was going to be there, and she’s so fucking anti-Israel me and her would have had WORDS it wouldn’t have been pretty, so best that I didn’t 😉 (she once read some of my work and said ‘yeah this would be good for teen girls it’s very angsty, the way she said it I knew what she was saying, whatever, grow a beard and move)

  11. BTW I don’t think I’m ahead of you because you go to Uni and socialize (I see the pics) I don’t do that even anymore (my uni was lame, being catholic they never went out, which is weird I thought catholics drank?) I would if I lived down the road from you and whilst you weren’t looking I’d try on your shoes (bet my collosal feet are like ten times yours, what are you a 35?

  12. I think superficially most people come across okay but when you actually get to know them that is when you see their habits etc. I don’t find people annoying I’m not easily bothered by things, others I find, really are, and I’m sure my depression would put most people off.

  13. I wonder why I’m never on the reader? grr. Thank you for taking the trouble to read me! I am so grateful. Thank you so much! I love how you say it’s ridiculous and true because that’s exactly how I see it. I’m envious of people who are not self-conscious so much! I always have been! XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

  14. I don’t know! It seems like the bloggers that I want to read the most are the ones I have to go searching for. Oh well, I know where to find you! And I agree, I’m envious of those people too. But I bet they are envious of us in some way too, the grass is always greener kind of thing. 🙂

  15. I think you are some kind of wonderful too!! I’m going to try to dream of us romping around in front of everyone, doing whatever we want, with big smiles and lots of shouting and no costumes and no worries!! Are you ready? ❤ ❤

  16. I know it must be hard to deal with depression and I’m so sorry that is part of your reality! But those who truly love you, like moi, would not be put off! It’s hard to rim odd ducks off because they have sticky feathers‼️‼️❌⭕️😘🌹

  17. There are studies that show some infants have a tendency toward shyness. That suggests there may be a genetic basis for that personality trait. Though it can be crippling, social anxiety is not uncommon. The great actor Laurence Olivier suffered from stage fright. Somehow, we feel our flaws are on display — unnamed flaws so severe we will be rejected, if they ever come to light. But all human beings have flaws and vulnerabilities. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Not everyone seeks out the limelight. ❤

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