Breathing

It’s just a story we tell ourselves

We will be well

And even Gods forged of longing, cannot always save our plea for preservation

And please, some peace

For the weary, are not the old

They are the ones who know the sear of unwanted pain

An ache rising like wave again, merciless in return

The loss of dreams comes softly as snow

We dream ourselves complete

Waking unable to breathe

This sheltering land sometimes permits tornadoes

When all around shakes, we are battered and bruised

And because we still stand, others never witness, the deep sink of our soul

Or indeed, that dark place we go

When night only burdens with unseen fear

A temperature, a loss of balance, this unknowing doctors touch, with gloved hand

As we find ourselves, subject to midnight

We, who have never been this person

Arising, as if we could separate and escape, inevitable places

Was it really me? Who gasped for breath and cried out to spirits never tested?

As has always been for each life line

Thinking invulnerable, tugged back to truth

All of us wear a harness, all of us hold an allotment

It is the wicked mirth of terror when first we gaze into our future and see the end

No amount of protest will stave

But maybe, maybe with light and courage

With nothing more than salved persistence

We can hold back that day and spend one more

Breathing

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126 thoughts on “Breathing

  1. Wise words and Sue I know you are right. They do dwell on the terrible and less on the goodness of people. I know I’m guilty of this also. I find less and less to believe in and yet at my core I do believe in people’s mercy – it’s just hard when what we are shown is mostly cruelty, sarcasm, greed etc. It takes a strong person to rise above that and see the rest of the picture. I admire you for being able to do so and I shall say I ‘strive’ to emulate this perspective honestly, because I know it’s the only way to make the most of our existence and not fracture ourselves from the possibility.

  2. What can I say to that? Especially as YOU are far more the child of silver than I ever will be. Lately what with being pretty sick I came to a place where I asked myself, if I wasn’t around much longer (very dramatic I know, but you kinda do that when you’re sitting in the ER at 2am!) would I be okay with how I was in this life? Did I want more? The answer surprised me. I actually would be okay. I always saw myself as discontented, but truth is, I’m probably too content (if you are too content you are liable to strive less hard for things I expect). At the same time I felt I should regret not being closer to some people. I always feel I’m looking through a screen darkly, and never really attaching. Maybe to attach is just too much to ask for, too intense, but that would be my wish, to be involved more with the psyche of another and really feel we were melded as a result. I think I admire that you are able to do this regularly with a wide swath of people, you not only bring out the best in others, you cause them to come together. You are a lightning rod. So if anyone is the fangirl (does that mean I have to give up Kate Bush? Oh but you don’t like her so maybe that was your plan all along you Devil!) it would be me.

  3. It was a very existential moment you could appreciate, sitting at 2am in the ER contemplating my sum and turn on this planet. I think I’m ‘getting there’ in terms of being ‘all right’ but maybe I don’t know. Thank you – for just caring – because I adore the person of you.

  4. I’ll still call you Dawn because it’s a good alias πŸ™‚
    I’m an ex-pat also so I totally related to what you said here. I’m sorry you experienced that – I have also and it’s well … damaging in a profound way to be let down by someone you really should be able to trust. What you said also about acquaintances versus something else you can trust and count on, well that is very true. I have not been so fortunate in the latter, although we make our own luck don’t we? I expect it’s because having been burned with friendships I haven’t ‘gone there’ sufficiently to really engender it. I don’t know though, people are easy to read and hard to predict – what an oxymoron! Thank you for the hugs they are very, very appreciated and I return them to a girl of strength and inspiration x

  5. You sort of left me speechless. Or I have too much on my mind to be able to find the words. So Thank You will have to do 😊

  6. You always see me so differently than I see myself. I think I spent too much time being afraid to succeed, to want, to shine. I woke up at 50 and thought to myself: I WANT to make an impact. It isn’t too late. This may not be the way I expected to make it, but I trust my gut. I invest in people and relationships because life feels too short not too. I am so sorry to hear that you have been so ill. I know how scary and out of control that can feel. Know that you were missed and and that you make an impact, you have weight.

  7. Maybe because I’m very, very different to you, I can see you in an untainted light. We often cannot see ourselves in an untainted light because we’re too close for comfort. I’m not success-orientated at all, I don’t want to shine, I don’t want to make an impact. So because of those things I can appreciate when someone DOES make an impact because I’m not trying to I’m not in the running, I’m on the outside observing. I think you succeed in your goals thus far and will continue to. 50 is by NO means old it’s just beginning. Many people have 3rd/4th/5th careers, many become notable or famous after a certain age, it’s not just for the 20 somethings. I think you have the wisdom and gravitas of having lived and the urgency and eagerness of youth, and you need both of those. When I was very young I was semi-ambitious, I did a LOT in a very short period of time, a LOT, and I think I burned out on that, and need for myself, a very different pace, direction and directive. But we’re all different, that’s something I didn’t understand when I was younger, stupidly I thought if someone didn’t feel as I did, I was strange or they were strange, I couldn’t understand why someone would be ambitious, another not, and both be okay in their own milleau, I expect because of being an only-child I intellectually understood people but not emotionally. I still don’t ‘get’ people – when it comes to lying (which I think deplorable) and cruelty (ditto) thus, I feel a stranger in a strange land, but I’m also a huge champion of people who try and haut damn woman you TRY but moreover you succeed. If you keep on at your pace you will continue to succeed and grow, that I know without a shadow of doubt. You are right, it IS NOT remotely too late. You are also right to invest in people, I used to be very popular and sociable and did just that but it didn’t work out for me so now I don’t but that doesn’t mean I don’t see the value and the pay-off of doing so, after all we are social animals. Yes my illness woke me up, I need something too I’m just not sure yet what it is. Meanwhile if you ever want to give me a job I’m up for it because the day-job you do is my dream job ironically! I am 100 percent behind you C, I just plain am, and that will not change. I see you. The real you. The you that you don’t always see but somehow know is hidden in there.

  8. You’ll always be on my journey sis. We are family and will always be family forever. You are my twin and my blood. We we’re meant to be on this earth and know each other and be there for one another. I love you sis. Always thinking of you. πŸ™‚

  9. Loved your words that you used here too Candice.. “I know it’s the only way to make the most of our existence and not fracture ourselves from the possibility.”
    It is easy to say I know, and for a long time I was in a dark place.. But you know what when you reach bottom, the only way is up.. and I send you lots of Love in finding that energy dear Candice.. You can and will succeed.. xxx

  10. Yes I’m okay more or less! Today is going to be a busy one but I will shoot you an email soon! In the meantime just rest and heal❣️😘😘😘

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