The fantasy held by someone else

il_570xN.690115987_nnkdNever been good at receiving, prefer to give, in all things …

I gave you everything I had left, it wasn’t much, a persistent hole, had formed long ago and I was seeping out.

I look whole, but that’s just mythology. I may outwardly appear, to stand upright, but in truth I sag, even in wind.

If I had more I would have given it. You believed I did, as many before you did. I call that the capture of delusion, you see in me, what you want to see, not who is actually standing there.

And if I were a pirate, I’d have a wooden leg and a parrot. If I were a dragon, well hell, I’d be a dragon (and yes, I really want to be a dragon).

The doctor said I had a flabby heart, and still you believe me an angel. But angels play the lyre with taut string, not my kind of slack gut.

It didn’t really surprise me, at ten years, on the gym mats I recall my calves like moon cows, soft and milky, against tight sun-honed legs of my friends.

I remember when he took my blouse off and exclaimed; have you had children? A euphemism for losing the fight with gravity (even then, so long ago). Or standing on a chair, in the student dorm, to see orange peel running its fingers down my legs.

You never knew these things, you built an image of me from Ralph Lauren advertisements and The Blue Lagoon. You added my French ancestry and your own penchant for leather, making me an exotic bird I never was. Though if I had feathers, they would be tropical-coral.

It was addictive, to be seen through your lens, though I knew it faulty. Whom among us, does not want to be special and rarefied, if just once? And like an addict, I couldn’t wean myself far, from your camera, I didn’t want to go back to being, the flabby-hearted, plain- faced fish in the sea.

Try as I might, reality never lives up to the dream, or possession of desire. These are self-fed lures and we,  the hungry carp, falling for our own tricks, being pulled from our refuge of water, lain out, gasping on shore.

As we lose the ability to breathe, in this strange land, oh how we rue our former vanities, and wish for simple love., laced, hand over hand, without deception.

The trickery we employ, to appear just fleetingly different, running from our truth. as the stowaway is always found in the storm, hiding behind bottles of rum, drunk on themselves.

I confess, I’ve never known how to be loved for this husk, the multitude of ordinariness. True then, it is hard to be loved if we loathe ourselves, we who are giving, sometimes do so, because we are trying to give ourselves away. Scrub the history of us, remake the self, becoming for a day, the fantasy held, by someone else.

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58 thoughts on “The fantasy held by someone else

  1. I connected so much with many of these words. And it made me think that, even those of us who are confident in ourselves, who love the amazing, beautiful dragons that we know we are, may bask in and strive to live up to the phoenix image a lover has created for us. At least for a time.

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    1. I’m so lucky to know you. I hope you know that. You are such a beautiful person inside and out. You remind me in your user icon picture of one of my very long time best friends who lives in New Jersey, she is about the best person I have ever known, so I knew by looking at your face you shared her spirit and her beauty. I totally agree about even if you are confident there is always that journey to be made. xx

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  2. What in the sam hill to you think is fucking ordinary about you??? You are so very extraordinary in so many ways. First you are strikingly beautiful. You have an incredible loving and compassionate heart. You are talented beyond definition. So perhaps is was NOT thou, my love, but the faulty lens or lenses with which you have been viewed!!! None of us is perfect, none of us is without flaws, but at the same time NONE of us has to measure up to anyone else’s ideals or expectations.
    If someone doesn’t like our “peaches” they don’t have to shake our tree and then not let them let the door hit them in the ass on the way out!!! Candice I would be what you are and what you look like any damn day of the week!!! So I say good riddance and fuck ’em if they don’t like what they see and what you are or are not. Je t’aime, N ❤ ❤ ❤

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    1. You slay me. You know that right? You SLAY ME. I love your HONESTY SOOOOO MUCH! In a world of liars and pleasers you are TOTALLY INCREDIBLE! I had to laugh my head off at your first words! You see, you are a LADY and even I blanch at your use of expletatives and I’m from Europe! I love it! You’re right about nobody being perfect. I think I got off to a bad start men-wise and that just is the way it was. And maybe that’s okay. Yes it had me a little neurotic and feeling what I felt, but when your father thinks you’re ugly it’s hard to be stronger than that. I see that now, and also how none of it really matters except love. With men, love comes with appearance far more than it does with women. Humbly that is my experience but I’m sure others have had other experiences. I also agree with you wholeheartedly that you should not measure up to others ideals. I was SO guilty of that in my teens it was unreal. I was told you are ugly because of X Y Z and if I had had the money would have gone and had plastic surgery! Now I see the deep fault of pandering to others, and I can step back and be aghast at my former childish self. I totally love your peaches story I am going to have to use that someday! Though it won’t sound nearly as good coming from me! Your wisdom, like you, is sublime my brilliant friend!

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      1. Ok yes I have quite a way with expletives which my daughter hates! So I have to hold my tongue in front of her and her children and ask for the Lord’s forgiveness when I go on a tear like I did with you like I did last night. I’m a lady as you you noted but I can hold my own with even old salty dog sailors when it comes to “naughty” words which is really not something to be proud of but there are times when they help me make emphatic comments. So here I go again. I am completely appalled that your dad or any dad would tell their daughter she was ugly! What a fucking jerk! It would have crushed me if my dad had ever done that! And I would have knocked James of his feet if he had ever done that to Nikki even if she’d been butt ugly which she wasn’t! I’m so sorry that happened to you!!! No child should ever be told such heinous and damaging things!!! As for your I want to forget that fucking cruel lie and hold that beautiful head of yours up high and embrace the talented beauty you are!!! And be proud of your amazing “peaches!” And never ever take any shit off naysayers!!! Je t’adore et je t’aime❣️😘😘😘

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  3. Ah, submissiveness, the dragon all women must slay to be the one who they truly are; instead of how others perceive them to be; or how they wish others to perceive them.

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  4. Candice, I related to this one truly and agree with an above comment that this is one of your best. How to explain my reaction…the details in your imagery seem to be partly metaphorical; between the lines is the literal story. Self images are in our heads, the mirror be damned. And what others tell us, whether it be to place us on pedestals or the very opposite…it sinks in. Both illusions.
    Your word “precreation” is still in my head. You are already that beautiful rose! 🌹
    Bottom line – this is an incredibly powerful and beautiful poem!

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  5. Melted my heart in multiple ways. Stunning words of power. If I didn’t love you before I love you more now. Haha,
    On another note, you take care of yourself. Please and thank you. 🙂

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  6. “Try as I might, reality never lives up to the dream, or possession of desire. These are self-fed lures and we, the hungry carp, falling for our own tricks, being pulled from our refuge of water, lain out, gasping on shore.” Those words pulled my insides, Candice, I love what you do to me with your words, and I know your other readers think the same about your marvelous masterpieces.

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  7. This is so lovely and compelling! It pulled me in immediately! Oh, how many of us strive to be what others expect!! Your words tell what an extraordinary person you are! Be the dragon girl! Be the dragon!

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