Nightshade

Oh mama

There are days

I am bent double

The stuffing of me kicked quite free

One side is fear that feels like unyielding felt, thick in my dry, slack mouth

Making me the puppet I never was, when good and whole

So is sickness for the soul

A sour well with brackish water and no yield

I long to be your child and retrace in time to your arms

Fantasies that never were, become, our lullaby

A palpable longing for comfort

Nourishment

To be saved against invisible foe

No

I did not invite you, fever dream

No

I did not beckon you visit me and stay, pinning my anxiety as colinder

Cast as we are, sluggish on fortunes wheel

Like chance, we ebb and flow

Moths without hardy wings

I desired wellness 

and while the summer river ran 

I believed it would never turn

Against me in undertow

Disease is a glutted wretch

A terrible betrayal

A war

You stand in rags fighting until your last

We all do 

But when the bees come and honey is glitter in the trees 

We forget our fear of unseen things

Believe ourselves immortal or at least

The sleek otter who can hold his breath

Longer than sense and her confine

For such a time I rested

Against this calm

Taking for granted what I did not own

And as winter will

Reveal herself bare and merciless

Soon those hours of peace lay behind me

Damp with regret and burned yet

To leave plumes of green smoke

Evoking Gods 

Who may be senseless to our call

For the comfort of our childhood

Curled inside a place

As yet unborn

Do not

Let me stay in this cold fear

Or stand alone 

With its frozen clasp about my heart

Squeezing hope til nothing pumps

But the ice of terror 

I am 

Just born

To this strange chill

The waking before dawn of prescient worry

Will I be well? Will I ever be without pain?

Oh mercy and her ink, clouding fortelling

The whine of our need to know, what Fates only jest

My gut is silent and 

Nothing but the fast snare of my pulse

Can be heard over lamment

I am

A statue of fear

Thinking back

To the Happy Prince

He felt pain

Of others

Taking the jewels that were his eyes

Sacrifice I do not have

A lesson

To think and care as we suffer

Of others and their

Equal walk 

In nightshade

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21 thoughts on “Nightshade

  1. Hear you are trapped inside this intense suffering and fear and doubt and worry, and yet you still crank out a MASTERPIECE!!! This is one of the finest things you have ever done and finer than so much else I’ve ever read!!
    I’m so sorry you are so very ill and so wish I lived close enough to help and visit and shore up your quaking underpinnings! Candice you will be in my daily prayers and thoughts!!! I so adore and love you, my purplicious friend. Je t’aime!!! ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hello my friend 💕
    This is so heartbreaking yet amazing writing..
    your words feed my heart & soul..
    I pray you’re ok – and if not – I’m sending you love & prayers for better days ❤️

    Like

  3. Bless your beautiful heart… I wish you never had to know this kind of despair and suffering but we will bear our fevered dreams, weather the harsh storm, and we will prevail, ღ

    Like

  4. My sister….I’m worried about you. As I read your poem…I felt your pain and felt the suffering. Whatever you may be going through…know that I am here and everyone here on WordPress is here for you. May you be well and I’ll be thinking of you and I’ll be praying for you my sister.

    Like

  5. “So is sickness for the soul

    A sour well with brackish water and no yield

    I long to be your child and retrace in time to your arms

    Fantasies that never were, become, our lullaby

    A palpable longing for comfort

    Nourishment

    To be saved against invisible foe

    No

    I did not invite you, fever dream

    No

    I did not beckon you visit me and stay, pinning my anxiety as colinder”

    I think… I know you are the only person who can write about pain as if you’re going through that particular event again and also as if you are growing through it too.

    That is a gift not bestowed to many. It reads as if writing this, helps. I hope it does.

    Like

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