Anger

The therapist

she doesn’t look her age, though it wouldn’t matter

she is wise in years and that’s what counts

her skin reminds me of a Swiss lady I knew, she has the color of travel

and I trust her which is all that is needed

she asks me, why I don’t get angry

I think about where my anger has gone

after all I was an angry child

only the other day a friend’s parent reminded me

‘you were a naughty little girl, but I know it was because you were mad’

it feels like she’s talking about someone else

because I have lost my ire

that’s not a good feeling

if I had it back, I imagine

I’d rage through the streets, decrying the bad deeds of an indifferent world

but I sit quietly reading a book and the clock is ticking down the hours I am not

angry

for anger …

can be a severance, a sword, a spike

and we know that

so we tuck it, tightly to sleep

there it lays, sometimes for decades

burning a hole in our placid smile

I know someone who is angry, and they

are a short rocket full of sparks, able to go off at slightest provocation

whilst I, am measured and sensible, like a bad calculation

it gets me nowhere

because I am hurt

deeply by the injustice of little and great things

whoever told me not to be angry, that I didn’t have a right, that it was selfish or

low-brow or just plain bad manners and SHAMEFUL

isn’t here now

and I am, stuck on the wheel of sickness where they like to say

‘isn’t she calm and well adjusted to her own personal brand of hell?’

I thought strength was not letting anger get the upper hand

but i’ve been in a war without any weapons

sometimes anger is better than turning inward or, staying still

it fuels the urge to live

it leaves bruises you remember

I am angry

behind this painted mask and ironed clothes

I am a raging angry woman, with still unbrushed parts

who wants to throw the phone when it rings, out of the window, deliberately breaking glass

I am fury and it is a desire of mine

to scream until my throat is sore and beseech the skies

I am quivering with rage and if I could, I would, throttle the fates

for there is anger inside and though it is buried deep

it has a voice and that voice says

why me? why me?

(Not meant self pityingly, rather, a hard truth.)

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66 thoughts on “Anger

  1. This part beckons me to say, “do it. Just let it all out. Release it. Now.”

    “sometimes anger is better than turning inward or, staying still

    it fuels the urge to live

    it leaves bruises you remember

    I am angry

    behind this painted mask and ironed clothes

    I am a raging angry woman with still unbrushed parts

    who wants to throw the phone when it rings, out of the window, deliberately breaking glass

    I am fury and it is a desire of mine

    to scream until my throat is sore and beseech the skies”

    I think, at some point, when we feel like we have lost so much of ourselves, something happens to show us that all we needed was a bolt of lightning to strike that spot… Get angry, don’t live there, though.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Aweplause! Close to home writing for me as one of the old definitions of depression, is anger turned inward! Being diagnosed, I tend to agree with that. When depressed, I and other examples like Robin Williams, learn to become wonderful actors to hide our depression from everyone. I could pull it off with no problem for a day, or if needed, a weekend. The sad part about such award winning performances is that one suppresses all of their emotion….compacts it up, in order to only let our ” social” acting come to the front. If one works on it like I did, it is possible to maintain a good job ( blessed by having a great psychiatrist for meds and when needed, the excellent therapist in her office), and pretty much appear normal to the world. Your quote ” personal brand of hell” is so true. Illness is as different as each of us are different. Depression does carry much anger….which in my opinion, will either break the person or someone else. For me, I am broken. Just look at the rising rate of suicide in our country and try to remember that some part of that decision is grounded in our ” personal brand of hell.”

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Excellent response. Thank you! Agree. Except never saw depression as anger turned inward more like anxiety and low self esteem. But really depends. I do know it can be anger turned inward. Anyone being sick a long time must feel angry. Helps me to have you to walk through the darkness with, as easier to survive when you’re not alone. You’re very strong. Depressed or not. VERY. I have so much respect for you.

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      1. Isn’t low self-esteem a way of being angry at oneself? For not being enough, not conforming to the standards imposed by others then by ourselves?
        I too agree, depression is anger turned inward.
        I try not to be angry, not too much, because I am afraid of becoming irrational. And of losing myself completely.
        But last Saturday, I was furious. Not at myself, but at my ex. For once, I let that anger turn to him, and not to me for not being able to control my anger.
        Reading this post though, made me think of a sibling, who tries very hard to not get angry, because that;s the way things are supposed to be in Asian society. You don’t show anger. Everything stays hidden. But… you still suffer.

        All emotions are right. We shold always acknowledge them all. It is probably the only way to move past the more negative ones.

        Glad you posted this. When I was so angry on Saturday, it was so obliterating to everything and anything else that I wasn’t even able to write. πŸ™‚

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      2. I think that you are right, it can be anger turned in on us, sometimes it’s just low self esteem learned by being treated badly or being told we are not good enough, but other times it’s the rage of that. It depends. You are so right, we must acknowledge how we feel and not condemn ourselves for feeling it, because that’s what causes problems. I’m so sorry last Saturday was bad. Maybe you needed to get it out though. I have heard in Asian society there is that unspoken rule of not showing how you feel, that’s why Asians tend not to go to psychotherapy as much, but it is changing, and that’s a good thing because we’re all human we all have feelings, even with different DNA and cultures, we all need at times, to express ourselves. xo

        Liked by 1 person

  3. How does one release just a little bottled anger, proportionate to the cause? I wish I knew, but not knowing, I fear the opening of that container. Still, it is fuel, heat to drive more measured engines.

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    1. πŸ™‚ I felt good for just admitting that I was angry that I had gotten sick. It wasn’t self pity it was just a ‘damn it’ moment πŸ™‚ Sometimes we need to admit how we feel instead of trying to be strong and suck it up, as that’s not stronger than the truth is it? xo

      Liked by 2 people

  4. I am you, though many years down the path. I have faced the fork in the road of numb and pain, as if it is a circular “wheel” as you describe. Your language is free and smoldering.

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  5. Until you’re able to, live in your anger fully and completely, let it consume you, and just, don’t hold anything in, you can’t say that you’d, worked through it, and i’d been there, and i know how hard it is, and how scary it was, letting my own anger consume me, but each and every time, after i EXPLODED, i’d felt stronger, because i’d drawn my strengths from the anger i’d held locked up, inside of me…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you my friend. I don’t feel that kind of anger, I do however acknowledge that I’m angry that I got sick. I’m glad I am not denying that anymore :0 I definitely agree and think repressed anger can be worse than any we express. xo You make such a good point about strength in being angry. I would rather draw strength from an emotion than for it to ruin me.

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  6. Beautfully written. I think buried anger is so problematic. I know growing up mine had to be exiled in fact I think I carried my Mum’s exiled anger as well, we used to see and feel this anger in the home but it was so frightening no one said and thing and we learned to behave like it wasn’t there but my body still holds some of that. I am so glad you wrote this.

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    1. You bring up a really important point about carrying anger for others too, I think if you are an empath you do that, and it’s understandable. I’m not an empath but I defintely feel angry for the injustices others experience and then of course, family and our patterns of carrying things one from the other, so very true

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I saw that my Mum just had to bury a lot of her anger at her own mother who struggled a lot, so Mum forgave but sadly the anxiety came out with us in all kinds of ways and we absorbed its. And yes, like you I get angry over injustice in the lives of others. Its okay to feel it but when it burns and burns inside of us I have a feeling its not good for our health. ❀

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      2. I agree when it burns inside of us it is very detrimental. I think I was describing a ‘right’ to anger at say, an illness, more than say, being angry all the time. I think we’ve both seen the downside to people who are angry all the time haven’t we?

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Yes… its such a fine line. I think if they could actually acknowledge the source instead of dumping it or acting it out all over the place it wouldnt be as problematic. For a child constantly subjected to it, its hard not to personalise or take on board.

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  7. A cathartic poem if ever there was one! I could relate to the anger, Candice, because I know that place and where it comes from. We feel anger because we’re human, and it’s normal. Bottling it up makes us sicker. The safest outlet is doing what you did – writing about it. Whatever form feels best. Thanks for sharing this – you’ve probably helped a lot of people feel less guilty for feeling anger. It’s just a matter of expressing it somehow (talking about it works too) rather than suppressing it.
    Hugs to you! πŸ’•πŸ’ž

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I’ve found that anger can be transmuted into compassion for ourselves and others, simply by leaning into it and trying to view it from a cosmic perspective. Not always easy in the heat of the moment, but better than denial. I have to meditate daily in order to forgive myself for past mistakes. But that’s a different kind of anger…. This is a huge subject – one could write a book. (And then there’s the kind of anger at conditions of others, society, politics, etc. I’ve not been able to quell my anger against the current administration, and injustice and cruelty. Augh! Off my soapbox. Forgive my digression. 😀

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  8. So much of this piece speaks to me. I especially connected with these words, “i’ve been in a war without any weapons, sometimes anger is better than turning inward or, staying still”
    Anger directed toward oneself can destroy you and it can feel like a war that is impossible to win.
    I enjoyed reading all of the comments that others shared about their experiences of anger.
    I love that poetry has the power to open up a new conversation between people. Your poem provided a powerful way for all of us to connect here. Thank you.

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  9. And you had me hooked by the fourth line

    “her skin reminds me of a Swiss lady I knew, she has the color of travel” – priceless.

    “burning a hole in our placid smile”

    well penned. i feel the anger pushing from behind this write. good piece.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Great work. I find it very close to me since am the same person who lost the emotion of anger while trying to fit in this so called life, i used to be the exact opposite in my childhood. thanks for the poetry.

    Liked by 1 person

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