S.O.S.

28514640_10155366958932338_2887770778102742777_o324300484.jpgI wanted to

open my mouth as wide as it will go

no .. even

further

disarticulated and gaping

for maximum sound

a fog horn

and implore you

describing

the itch in my throat

the lump that turns to anchor

pulling me down to ocean floor

no oxygen, just humiliation

It says

Help me

I’ve never asked before

hot-faced and ashamed

I’m all grown up and lost

wandering toward your call

Help me

unpick my mistakes

return to the scattered fold

but every time I begin

something in your tone

heeds a warning

and I go back to

holding in

sore like spring cold

my throat is not meant for singing

it is a lump hardened by knowing

you will not hear.

(After becoming so sick I decided my only option would be to move back to a country with socialized healthcare. I basically said as much to my father, the first time I have ever asked him for help as an adult. I felt so guilty for asking. Some of my pride comes from being independent, not relying upon others. I find it hard to ask. But what was harder was his lack of response. I could blame many things, maybe he was in shock, maybe he didn’t know what to say. But parents are parents for life, if their child at any age needs help, and you know they may not be able to help themselves, I would think most would help them. Now I feel stupid, ashamed and embarrassed for asking. I hadn’t expected too much, just some type of support in moving back, if indeed a way could be found. But he stayed pretty negative, he doesn’t want to make an effort or get involved. I realized then I had long thought family meant we were all in it together, helping each other through this life, but it’s more ‘them’ and ‘me’. If I could, I would help myself. I’ve done it every other time. But being sick means you can’t always help yourself. There is no worse feeling than asking for help after feeling so bad for having to ask for help and then feeling absolutely ridiculous for having asked. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, it’s just challenging because it would be better if I could live in a country with socialized healthcare at this point, being swamped by bills I cannot afford. I suppose like many who do not have that option I will have to find another way. I don’t feel hard done by, I just feel like I don’t have that familial support that I half believed I could have, if I asked for it, that feels very lonely but also I feel stupid, for expecting, or asking anything of anyone, I wish I had the strength by myself but I just don’t).

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69 thoughts on “S.O.S.

  1. No one should ever make anyone feel wrong for asking for help, let alone family. At least you know you have a big surrogate family as evidenced by the outpouring of love & support from all of your friends here. Much love C ღ

  2. I’m just bull headed enough to show up on his doorstep or your mom’s and say “Hi, I’ll be here a while.” How can they not help you??? All you’re asking for is a place to stay while you recover and receive treatment for this horrid disease!!!! I can’t believe that any parent would refuse a child of theirs when they are ill and in need!!! I’m doing my best not to go off on both of them in expletives that are not kind at all!!! But that’s bull shit!!! I’m so sorry and so wish I could help in some way. Since we’re both retired we are a limited income that’s just enough for the two of us. But I can tell you this that if anyone in my family needed it, we’d cram together here and manage as best we could even if we had to sleep on the floor and go out in the yard and grow our own food. Bless your heart. I know the Lord will provide so I’ll keep you and your needs lifted it up in prayer. I love you and I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Je t’aime, N πŸ™‚ ❀ xoxoxoxoxo

  3. It was a thought (still is) that might be impossible to realise. It’s a huge step leaving a country that offers a lot in terms of employment for one that offers nothing. That’s why it has a well-developed social safety net!

  4. How very sad that you did not receive help when you needed it, not for some selfish need but for a real medical need. I have grown children and I have tried to be there when they needed me. Often I offered before they had to ask. Sadly, it is often the aging parent who wants a child to simply visit or call. As many wrote, just let it go. Physical healing will be easier without the emotional drain. There is much love out there yet families are never without their own conflicts. Hugs to you, my friend!

  5. The lack of response by a parent does not reflect on the child. The sensations of shame, embarrassment, etc. are simply influences to which we agree when there is no compelling reason to do so. When we accept those negative influences, cause and effect movements are instigated that will never benefit us. We lose our peace.

  6. You’re right Rob, we do. I agree when there is no compelling reason to, maybe as a way of making sense of something unnatural or wrong. As you say, when we accept those negative influences we lose a lot. Wise words my friend.

  7. I know you would Natalie. I know you would. As I would if I had children. It does seem insane that it’s like this, but it is and I just have to find other ways of getting there. Thank you because you are a great source of wonder and strength especially as we live nearby I don’t feel so alone believe me

  8. Have you applied for unemployment benefits? And you should qualify for Medicaid and food stamps? Is it that you need the money to buy a ticket to get to where your parents are?

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