28514640_10155366958932338_2887770778102742777_o324300484.jpgI wanted to

open my mouth as wide as it will go

no .. even


disarticulated and gaping

for maximum sound

a fog horn

and implore you


the itch in my throat

the lump that turns to anchor

pulling me down to ocean floor

no oxygen, just humiliation

It says

Help me

I’ve never asked before

hot-faced and ashamed

I’m all grown up and lost

wandering toward your call

Help me

unpick my mistakes

return to the scattered fold

but every time I begin

something in your tone

heeds a warning

and I go back to

holding in

sore like spring cold

my throat is not meant for singing

it is a lump hardened by knowing

you will not hear.

(After becoming so sick I decided my only option would be to move back to a country with socialized healthcare. I basically said as much to my father, the first time I have ever asked him for help as an adult. I felt so guilty for asking. Some of my pride comes from being independent, not relying upon others. I find it hard to ask. But what was harder was his lack of response. I could blame many things, maybe he was in shock, maybe he didn’t know what to say. But parents are parents for life, if their child at any age needs help, and you know they may not be able to help themselves, I would think most would help them. Now I feel stupid, ashamed and embarrassed for asking. I hadn’t expected too much, just some type of support in moving back, if indeed a way could be found. But he stayed pretty negative, he doesn’t want to make an effort or get involved. I realized then I had long thought family meant we were all in it together, helping each other through this life, but it’s more ‘them’ and ‘me’. If I could, I would help myself. I’ve done it every other time. But being sick means you can’t always help yourself. There is no worse feeling than asking for help after feeling so bad for having to ask for help and then feeling absolutely ridiculous for having asked. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, it’s just challenging because it would be better if I could live in a country with socialized healthcare at this point, being swamped by bills I cannot afford. I suppose like many who do not have that option I will have to find another way. I don’t feel hard done by, I just feel like I don’t have that familial support that I half believed I could have, if I asked for it, that feels very lonely but also I feel stupid, for expecting, or asking anything of anyone, I wish I had the strength by myself but I just don’t).

69 thoughts on “S.O.S.

  1. Never be ashamed to ask for help. Our societal selfishness is responsible for the breakdown of institutional structures and it begins with families. Let go of the stress of shame. It will help you to recover faster and you never know the good that could come.

  2. Excellent words of wisdom coming from someone whom I respect so much. Thank you. I agree. It does me no good. It was just a shock as I had always been solicitous of them, and even tried to plan for what I’d do if he needed me, turns out he didn’t really do the same. I don’t have children but if I did I would help them no matter when.

  3. This post breaks my heart. My parents were the same. Of no good use to me other than to breathe my oxygen and cough back carbon dioxide, with no good intentions to resuscitate me while i choked. We have three kids and go to the ends of the earth for them, both of us knowing the damage parents do… knowing or unknowing. So sorry. And i know my words are useless in circumstances as yours. Keep reaching out. I will purchase your poetry on amazon. ๐Ÿ•Š๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽถ

  4. I had a rude awakening earlier this year. People who I thought would always help from my extended family just pawned me off with platitudes and vague “I’ll look into it” which never manifested as anything. I had thought we were tight knit but when push came to shove, I was on my own. It is always disconcerting to discover that something you would do as a ‘of course’ is not how people other than you think.

  5. Asking for help takes practice. Someone, somewhere will stand up. Charity is a gift for the giver as well as the recipient. Otherwise it’s awkward. If there was a way to lend a hand, I surely would!

  6. Ah…I have just learned from numerous challenges and blunders. โ˜บ
    It is a delicate balance between a body’s self-reliance and the necessity of community and connection. Stress is the worst thing for any of us, yet we inflict it on ourselves and others. I have just come to appreciate the beauty, intricacy, and interconnection of these cells that I call “me”. When the inside changes, the outer world does too. I learned much about community and self-love from reading Rob Taylor’s book. I cannot claim that it all comes from me. ๐Ÿฆ‹

  7. I wonder at the lack of response. Is it denial of the problem, or bafflement at what to do, or not understanding, or in this case seeing such a move as a backward step? Whatever it may be for your father, it is not your mistake in asking or needing.

  8. Family, their actions when we need them most, are often our best teachers. As much as it stings, it’s a lesson learned.

  9. I wrote about something kind of similar last night. Called he who knows me. It was about how I, in reality, have no one. I have my husband but he has been gone for many months. So I have been here alone with no one to help me. Those who I thought would, have not. I have no family because they did what your father did. So I realize in this state of utter vulnerability how much it sucks to know how independent I was and how illness makes a person dependent but what happens when there is no one to depend on? And that person is swamped with medical bills? And paralyzed in their own home with a myriad of symptoms that no one will understand. It’s awful and my heart aches for you. Im so sorry that your father let you down. I’m so sorry that he made you feel like you didn’t matter enough for him to help you. He should have helped you. He sucks for not helping you and leaving you in this health crisis. I mean you DID ask for help and he made you feel like shit about it. It’s not like you wished for help but didn’t ask for it. You did ask for it and were shut down. People who are not in this situation do not know how scary it is. I have been there. I am there. It is awful and I truly truly feel for you friend

  10. Candice, I am so sorry that you have been through so much! I knew were sick but I thought you were getting better. And I am sorry to hear about your family! Oh no! People here I know do care about you, but you’re right parents should always help their children. It’s outrageous. I will be praying for you, and i understand wanting to have healthcare covered! I hate the way we do it here.

  11. This is heartbreaking. I’m so sorry. I understand that feeling… how hard it is to ask for help and then have your request denied. You are right, a parent never stops being a parent and should do anything to help their child, no matter the age. Please don’t stop asking for help. Your dad’s reaction is a reflection of him, not you. It takes a lot of courage to ask for help. Sending you all my love โค

  12. You’re also right, he does see it as a backwards step as it had long been my dream to move to America. And I’d feel that way too. But needs must was my thinking.

  13. You know my story. No one would be able to help me, they always need my help, so I know I’m alone. After awhile, you get used to it. *shrugs*

  14. I’m so sorry my friend that you’re experiencing this. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone especially when you’re sick as you feel so vulnerable it’s ridiculously life changing isn’t it? You are so kind and giving to others. I wish people into your life to help you. I care if ever I can do something to help I will. You are not alone entirely my lovely friend.

  15. That’s exactly how I feel. Wow. So sorry you experienced that also. You’re SO right. I wouldn’t even think it was a big deal to help someone like that but you’re right, to those who should care it’s an imposition. ๐Ÿ’“ so sorry this happened.

  16. Dearest Jeanne but you did the best ever thing you didn’t repeat history! I have SO much respect for you for that. Many do. You were the change. Totally respect that my good friend you rock!

  17. You have to sometimes. You just have to. At least you know now. It hurts like hell, but that’s just how it is for some. ๐Ÿ’™ I wish it wasn’t.

  18. I don’t know what to say, except I’m not surprised it has got to you. If you could get yourself here we could try and fix you up with somewhere to stay. If you don’t mind the sticks, we could sort something.

  19. The kindness of strangers is surely the most beautiful aspect of life. Although in fairness you’re no stranger. Didn’t I always say I felt that about you? And then you say this and my heart aches with your beautiful kindness. Thank you dearling. I will pm you and let you know my progress, it seems very Impossible but I also know few things are impossible. ๐Ÿ’“ You. Are. So. (1000 words that don’t even do justice).

  20. Don’t shower your thanks so soon ๐Ÿ™‚ I can’t promise anything (because at the moment I don’t even have a spare room to propose) but there’s a possibility that we might have somewhere by the end of the year.

  21. Candice Louisa,
    What exactly do you need, honey?
    Do you know or have you no diagnosis yet?
    A research doctor, a drug trial, a surgery, a homeopath, prayer, a combo?
    Tell me.

  22. I can understand this feeling, my family likes to play the game, pretend we don’t see her sicknesses. โค

  23. I believe the impossible is possible so i will never stop believing for you. Love that blogging allows such intimacy of thought. Scary to know others can see a bit more of us but all the happier to be set free. ๐Ÿ•Šโค๏ธ

  24. I am so sorry you are going through all this. Pain is a horrible reality for many of us but is uniquely individual at the same time. Family canโ€™t always respond as we think we need them to. They have their agendas too. Take care of yourself.

  25. Candice, I wish more than ever now that I could do something to help you. (It’s hard for me to fathom your father’s reaction. Does he not know what a beautiful, amazing daughter he has? I hope maybe he comes to understand the severity of your illness and reconsiders. Never regret asking him. You’re not the one who did the wrong thing here.)
    Will reply to your email soon. I’m hopelessly behind on everything. Sending love, as always. ๐Ÿ’•

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