Fortune cookie

A girl who used to look forward to dinner and a movie

The simple pleasure of walking hand in hand with stillness and a harvest moon

was handed a poisoned fortune cookie

caught a virus, and that virus crawled into her stomach, like a ray gun

it changed the waves until, her stomach like arrythmia of the heart

was fitful and lurched

she was instantly sickened, from a person of health she turned

green

her body shut down and said

no, I don’t want to eat

dimly she remembered the days

she would lust and long for food

her appetite completely gone, the acidic growl of her stomach

held all dominion

she was slave to nausea 24/7

like a merciless dictator it left her no peace

even in the lingering hours of night

she woke bathed in sweat

her stomach somersaulting in wicked mirth

such a terrible feeling of imbalance and sickness

her hands gripped the sides of the toilet

she prayed until her head ached

for nothing could have prepared her

nothing assuaged the constant torture

every day of every day

she began to imagine

her death

fondly like a fantasy

and then when she realized what she was doing

she would cry until the crying

made her sicker and she had to stop

bottle all the anquish up

but there was nowhere to throw it, or store it or let it free

it built higher like a fortress

locking her out of life

days, weeks, months went by

she was captured between glass

unable to eat or drink without throwing up

or wishing she never had to try to chew, force food in green bilious mouth

perhaps it was punishment for a former life

where she was greedy and ate too much

or tormented the Fates with the heal of her shoe

it seemed definitely karmic punishment

just as her will to live, ran thin and irregular

sometimes imperceptable

like arrythmia pulses below the surface

that would not quiet or return to normal

disturbing former calm we take for granted

a girl who used to look forward to dinner

sits at a quayside cafe, drinking empty glasses

eating plates without food

staring at turbulent water rise and fall

waves crashing without sequence, into wet wood

holding back or pushing forward, who knows?

one day either the sea will admit defeat, or erode everything

and that is how I will be free, she says

to carefree birds overhead, yet to be struck down

they know not their good fortune

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22 thoughts on “Fortune cookie

  1. Great lines: stomach somersaulting in wicked mirth ….locking her out of life….drinking empty glasses
    Poignant and powerful! I’m reblogging. Thanks.

  2. I think for anyone, it’d be hard to read this and not feel something:

    “every day of every day

    she began to imagine

    her death

    fondly like a fantasy

    and then when she realized what she was doing

    she would cry until the crying

    made her sicker and she had to stop

    bottle all the anguish up

    but there was nowhere to throw it, or store it or let it free”

    That’s what you do–you make people feel, something. Even through your own pain, you still do it.

  3. I donโ€™t know how long I have followed you, but it must be at least six enchanted years ๐Ÿ˜˜ It is a constant amazement to me how truly, beautifully, prolific you are ๐Ÿ˜€

  4. You continue to amaze as you repeatedly pull out your pain and write about it with frightening and creative images that we cannot turn away from as your pain seeps into our gut. It is easy to take dinner and a movie for granted.

  5. Iโ€™m so sorry for all youโ€™ve had to endure. Your courage and your ability to turn that into these evocative word pictures is truly amazing. Warmest wishes and healing thoughts, Candice. ๐Ÿ’œ

  6. You have wonderfully described the finest of lines between physical health and illness. The line is equally thin between mental health and being separated from reality. I’ve crossed them both. True words here. Thank you. Prayers without ceasing for you. It is so easy to take good physical and mental health for granted when we feel great! As it says in one of my favorite books, ” it is like a mist….”

  7. Your ability to draw out such stunning images even while suffering is amazing. May the day arrive when this miserable illness will be nothing but a bad memory. Sending another hug….and a promise to email soon. ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•

  8. I was thinking aboutyou this morning. Hoping, your stomach was doing even slightly better. Having a chronic illness is a real bitch and i am thinking of you and hoping for you.
    Awesome writing as always.
    I have often wondered do the birds know how lucky they are up there

  9. Hello Lovely Girl. I agree about the birds ๐Ÿ™‚ How is your daughter? I agree about chronic illness ,I’m determined to overcome it, not happening yet but it will. Thank you for caring. You are one of those rare lights that suffers yourself so much but always has time for others and cares so much despite your own struggles. I admire you so much for that my friend

  10. It is hard to not care about someone like you. It would take a heart of stone to not care about someone else that has such a good soul but is suffering too.
    Some days I have more of a will to overcome than others!
    My daughter has hit rock bottom. I have hope for her though. We keep pressing on with appointments hoping to help her.
    I just got word that the doctor who had previously given up on my muscle disease case had found someone in the US that may be able to do some research for me to try and find the mysterious gene that is causing this disease.
    Seems like whenever I give up hope, something comes along and restores it.
    Even if it is just a bird soaring in the sky!

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