Fixed on open door

If you said today

Run away

I’d reply

I’m too old of heart for taking chances

And yet

If I could leave behind

These footprints of hell

I’d turn my bag inside out

Leave the clothes that made me and now don’t fit

They can hang on tree limbs for another girl

Who hankers after fushia and magnolia

If you can live without

A stomach

I’d set mine free

And empty as a cloud, run

In your direction toward the sea

Where salt spray would take the last

Residue of this awful time, turning back horror

Remind me of joy I once took as permanent

Clamboring through live oak, like fairy folk,

Rays of light like stars shine down from sky

Happy dogs, wet with run, tongues lolling, espie March rabbit

The thin stream between content and crestfallen

Just one turn of fate and all you cherished is gone

Reclaiming yourself somehow, among the fallen

How can you expect to thrive when pain halts every nuance?

A burden you do not know how to lift, for it

Wakes you every dawn with insisted sickening

And if you could, you’d disguard the parts that betray you

Run into the heartlands with nothing more than release

And the long legged stride of a creature unwilling

To be shared

For you are a child of this world and no harm is meant

To slow your step, as you cleave toward pilgrimage

One flat foot in front of the other

Setting prints in ochre mud for generations

Where they will ask, how did she keep trying?

Despite the steapness of the trail

And the lapse into despair, how did she

Keep her compass set?

If you said today

Run away

I’d reply

I’m too old of heart for taking chances

And yet …

One foot follows freedom even as the other

Chaffs against chain

It is in my nature, to seek the wild

Among nature, reclaim, loss of liberty

Trying to pin me to insect board

Dry up my dreams, pack away the urge

You haven’t claimed all of me

As long as a part stays

Fixed on open door

I will in time defeat this shackle

Turning into a bird

Threading my flight far

From your waning power.

If you said today

Run away

I’d reply

I’m too old of heart for taking chances

And yet

I want the girl who was just there a moment ago

Who stood on tip-toes and wore clothes twenty years too young

Who didn’t brush the back of her hair and ate with her mouth lolling

If it were a matter of wishing myself better, I’d sell it all and start over empty handed

Reclaim the lost self, in the strange soup of sickness that makes enemies of us

I want to wake up and be, a girl of air and sea and breath

I want to feel whole and no longer racked by hurt

Go forward in time and reclaim what is lost

make me well again, said the child, in the girl, in the woman.

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45 thoughts on “Fixed on open door

  1. You will, You can, It’s coming:

    “It is in my nature, to seek the wild

    Among nature, reclaim, loss of liberty

    Trying to pin me to insect board

    Dry up my dreams, pack away the urge

    You haven’t claimed all of me

    As long as a part stays

    Fixed on open door

    I will in time defeat this shackle”

    I believe nothing else.

  2. You can run
    like the dog runs in his sleep
    the vole runs blind from the winged ghost above
    and dreams drift at the speed of thought.
    You can run
    because the sun sets and rises
    bathed in gold
    always.

  3. Can I say to you that the pain is not real?
    I cannot.
    Can I say to you that it will go as unexpectedly as it came?
    I cannot.
    Can I say to you that the persistence and freedom of spirit in these words must have some good outcome?
    That, I can and do say.
    Can I say to you that I set hope that you will emerge from the chrysalis of pain to spread wings and fly free?
    Yes, i can and do say that too.

  4. Bob, this is so beautiful and deeply touched me. Oh thank you so much. I know I’ve overstayed my welcome in this subject and I want badly to write of other things but it’s all encompassing, that said, just as it came, it could go, and I try to maintain hope as I want to write about other things! πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

  5. A special beautiful poem response? From Jane! How lucky am I? And you mentioned voles! Nobody knows those! You truly are that Dreamworld, always inspiring me to go further. So lucky to know you my friend πŸ’“

  6. Don’t apologize, Candice. I know how it is, believe me. Suffering consumes our attention, it takes all of our energy. And the poetry you write about it is so powerful, it helps others who are suffering. I’ve said it before – sharing helps us (your readers) to feel less alone. πŸ’– Hugs to you. πŸ’•

  7. A wonderfully insightful poem, and this line grabbed at my soul’ “Reclaim the lost self, in the strange soup of sickness that makes enemies of us”

  8. So many people are dealing with illness, physical and mental, visible and invisible, and loss, some writing about it, some just reading and looking for understanding and inspiration, that your ability to begin from the pain and write your way to determination, strength, and hope cannot overstay the welcome. And, you do write of other things just as well.

  9. This speaks to me in an interesting way. I’ve been watching this Netflix series that most would feel is silly (probably), but it’s made me look at my life differently. I believe in magic and fairies and such. So suddenly I started to think about my life as a fairytale and wondered if I had been seeing it from completely the wrong angle. That maybe all the folks I thought were the ‘bad guys’ had really been put under a spell by the person who gave me away (my birth mother). Maybe no-one can get close to me because of this…not because of me, but because they’re not meant to. My birth mother may not have done this to be evil, but she may have had some reason…to protect me–maybe it was a protection spell? It has always struck me as odd that I can’t find a trace of her or of my family…do they not exist in this realm? There are other interesting things that point to the possibility of magical intervention. Or maybe I’m simply nuts and need a reason why my life has turned out the way it has…but it is a rather comforting thought. I figured you might understand.xo

  10. Oh you’re not nuts at all. There is no reason on earth to dispel the long held belief there are things around us we do not understand or see. Some of us see them more than others, I have long believed this. The Finnish and the Icelandic people still believe in fairies quite widely and it’s normal in their culture. Our culture may laugh at such things but that doesn’t make them invalid. Spells – and why we are say not able to get close to others – those things can be true because some people seem to know how to fold the world in such a way as to create outcomes – whilst others don’t know how to. I once worked in a place where they hexed it and we all became violently ill and had to be un-hexed. I didn’t really believe much until that happened then it was hard to deny it. You are far from nuts my friend. As for needing a reason for why life has turned out this way, well I know that feeling as I often look for those myself too. It is natural to want to know why and to understand better the reasons why we struggle. I wish you times of NO struggle of course, as your friend but I also believe the power of comforting thoughts may be our form of intuition.

  11. Good grief I did not know that! I often think of the ‘value’ of life when we see animals who do not live long lives like most of us do, and how grateful we should be for our relatively long lives, and yet how we are always fretting about such things. A dog for example, has a relatively short life comparatively and look how much he packs into it. A butterfly or moth is the same. I did not know that about the vole though.

  12. You are so right about how many deal with things like this. I hadn’t known that before getting sick which proves I wasn’t thinking of others as much as I thought I was, it’s that selfishness of the well. You are so right about how many suffer though. I hope this has taught me many valuable lessons. You are a very special soul and one whose reach is very wide. I do hope to recover and do things with what I have learned. Thank you for YOUR support because it has meant a great deal to me.

  13. That’s why I hate it so much when the cat gets one. The poor little sod was only ever going to get three months and she has made his tiny life so miserable!

  14. Thanks for understanding. I will think on it more. I have been close to magic for a long time…. And it puts a different perspective on life. Even if we simply weave out tales with it, then so be it. What we think are based on part at least some truth or we could not imagine it….

  15. “A stomach

    I’d set mine free

    And empty as a cloud, run

    In your direction toward the sea

    Where salt spray would take the last

    Residue of this awful time,”

    I can’t imagine this pain in your stomach. I pray for you everyday and I wish you a full recovery. And I hope you can fight this pain that’s within your stomach.

    You are a warrior.

  16. Beautiful strength through your weakness shows in all you write.. you inspire and teach us to fight through – come what may..
    Wishing hoping and praying peaceful – better moments for you CandiceπŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•

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