One hand

s-l400

At fifteen a lewd boy, only 5’5 asked;

Will you pose for me with your legs spread?

She hadn’t shaved in three days, the stubble rubbed the backs of her calf where she pressed against enamel bath

A maelstrom in her eyes instead of pupils

He said; good, good, excellent, just like that … ba-aby

Now … Open them

And she remembered the first time she unfurled

Like those Chinese paper flowers that grow in water

A warm rose bud disturbed by prying fingers

She recalled the way unwanted thumb pealed her exposed

A fruit chewed on before ripening

The sting afterwards

Like she’d dried out all her moisture and hung like a salted fish to be slapped and dismissed

If she gave this boy, with sweat on his lip instead of hair, his hand down his pants yanking something terrible, a rolling storm, tattooing bruised landscape

His way would become her path

What would be next?

Can you scissor yourself over my friend and lower down like a stray bullet?

We’ll make money and you’ll have value

I’ll take care of you, afterward you can pretend it didn’t happen

We’ll smoke away the taste and I’ll move inside you until you release

Regret

It’s easier to prostitute yourself when nobody has your back and you didn’t learn how

To save yourself, to feel your worth

The sabotage within, so achingly familiar

If I do it’ll be like every other time I ruined myself over nothing, you say

Feeling deserving of the pain, shame is a funny fellow, makes you quite attached

When you’re adrift and running on empty

Who knew how easy it was to ruin a child?

Set in place, steps of greater sabotage

She could feel their sticky fingers on her thighs

The voices murmuring, it’s what you deserve

Sickness in a learned desire to be debased

On her knees being ridden like a horse, the riders

Grabbing her innocence, one handful of hair at a time

Til she was all used up and another empty set of eyes

Waiting for the next fix

She saw herself at thirty, dying in an empty room

And the boy who encouraged her now, high on himself and the vigor of youth

Didn’t know how easy it would be for her to tumble down the rabbit hole, he only thought of

Getting his cock sucked and how he could brag if she’d pose for his fantasies

She wasn’t his, she didn’t want to be the next hole, willingly bent over

She wasn’t a plastic doll or his fist, she didn’t exist for him to spank himself off

Her image was sacrosanct, her body inviolate

Her legs weren’t going to open and be his willing whore

Just because she felt empty inside and his thin flattery pretended to assuage, all the pain and losses

That wasn’t her path

He didn’t get to see her center or hold her up for inspection

The fine line between loss and lost is not so fine

She stood up for herself for the first time and learned

What we do, matters, impacts us, stays like a cancer

Life already hard, she needed all the breaks she could get

It began with leaving and not looking back

At the boy holding a camera in one hand

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77 thoughts on “One hand

      1. It wasn’t the graphic nature at all, that’s what makes the poem… It’s always, for me, just knowing another human being experiences this type of pain, abuse, etc. It’s heartbreaking.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. That’s because you are an empath lovely girl. It’s what I think is best about you but it makes your life harder (and gives you a lot too). Thank you for sticking with it. I like to shine a light as you know, on things that I feel happen that hurt others. I need a name for that, not empath maybe light-shiner? πŸ™‚

        Liked by 2 people

  1. This must be exceptional, because it made me feel uncomfortable, probably because maybe there was a part of us in that boy many years ago, guilt, shame? Hmmm Adolescence is not something that can always be celebrated, hope that makes sense πŸ˜€

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I totally understand. Sometimes I write something and it feels so dirty to ‘go there’ but I know it’s one of those intense emotions others can relate to. I think we all have to wash our hands after some memories! Thank you for reading my friend

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Okay you will never believe this but as I wrote this, I thought of you. I don’t think of you all of the time (why not?) because of course most of the time I’m feeling sorry for myself over my stomach issues πŸ˜‰ But when I do it’s always about provocative and strong writing and I wrote this and you came into my head and then you wrote this and reblogged me! Totally made my day girl

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      1. I am. It is still hard and a long road, but I think I will recover completely. The hardest part being the psychological scars of being sick so long and the horror of that. Thank you so much for asking and caring. I am so glad to ‘see’ you here and hope you are doing well my friend xo BIG HUG

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  2. You know you are amazing, yet I am going to tell you again. Visceral is never something you have shied away from. You always stand at the forefront with blade and shield in hand. If it is difficult to watch, this it has impact. You always do have impact. ❀

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you. I want mostly to express something that I think needs expressing, if one girl avoids doing this, then I have helped her, I know when I was little I could have done with more of that, so I guess I try to do it in my little ways. Thank you (again) so much

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh my goodness I was on the edge of the chair reading this one.. horrified yet wanting to know if she took “his” path or her own way.. So glad she walked away… Choosing self-worth over that other route will take her life on a much better course (I wish I could go back!)

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  4. As the mother of 2 preteen/teen girls this struck close to home. It doesn’t take much for girls to start following the wrong path and once they’re on it it’s so hard to get on the right one again. Very moving.

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    1. Thank you so very much I really appreciate you reading this and your response. I am sure as you are aware of this, you will do all you can to prevent it and that is all we can do, the rest is up to your children who if you teach them right often can avoid such pitfalls I pray that be so for the sake of all girls going forward, knowing that if they are damaged it makes it harder but not impossible. Thank you so much again for your lovely words

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Exactly right. I pray that they make good decisions. It is not impossible but just challenging with so many bad things out there, but truly I believe in the power of even the very young to know how to save themselves. Doing your best is more than many do, and I know it will set them on the right road. xo

        Liked by 1 person

  5. At times I agree with PK Dick that the creator of this world is demented… There is far more of what you write here than most care to realize. The #metoo thing is just the tip of the iceberg… when will we start to protect the children ?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I got angry the other day Peter, because Catherine Deneauve whom I grew up adoring, wrote a horrid OpEd in response to the #metoo movement, which basically decried any woman who thinks being sexually objectified or mistreated sexually is wrong. It reminded me, we have not come so far, we may never reach where we should be, and that collapses the faith that this world is redeemable, thus I’m with you that maybe the world is demented on its very premise and those who inhabit it. Maybe knowing too much means not knowing enough. It is interesting that you see there is more here than maybe some would acknowledge or recognize. I appreciate you for taking the time to wade through this and being such a supporter of the good things left on this planet.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I saw that interview, and yes, I always enjoyed her as an actress, and I imagine she has been a role model for so many, yet we understand there is a confirmation bias, when a world that made he who she is and what she has is challenged, it would be rare for one to speak out against it. The old world is breaking down, there is a new generation, not of people, but of souls who are coming through, to live through the breakdown of all the insanity, and rebuild the world. I want to see a world like the Eloi in HG Wells Time Machine, but of course without the Morlocks! They are already hear and they already are eating the Eloi, not our flesh, but our vitality – Don’t get me started on vampires!

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  6. I couldn’t be happier that you spoke these truths. I have shared my testimony for women’s ministries, which was poetically delivered truth, but always dismissed for candor and lack of tact. Make no mistake, many of us get this which is why we read it to the end. Outstanding. The sex industry thrives on objectifying persons, the same persons like myself who first lost my innocence before kindergarten. This is a must read for the education of all.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much. Many times we’re dismissed for truth-telling or lack of tact, which frustrates me because what is tactful about the way others act? Isn’t highlighting this, the only way for it ever to hope to change? Blame the victim is that perspective and I’m sorry you experienced that, as you tried to make a difference (and I’m sure you did touch some people and make a difference, we never know it). You are right about many understanding this, we may not talk about it, we may be afraid to, but I agree. I think we’re closer to it than we ever are willing to admit. You are so right about the sex industry and how it thrives on objectifying people (women mostly) and many of those have been brutalized as children or teens and don’t have boundaries and get sucked into it, through no fault of their own. Twice victimized and twice blamed. Thank you my new friend for your kind words of support. I send the same support to you as a truthteller, knowing if you survived childhood abuse, you will survive anything and help others, just as you do by acknowledging what I wrote – thank you.

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