It took one finger to break into her
one finger to make her feel violated and dirty
two to make her scream
the boys laughed afterward mockingly
why you so upset girl? we didn’t deflower you
you should thank us bitch
or maybe we should just do what we came here to do
they pinned her down, her tights stretched between her legs
like her fractured hymen
she saw the beginning of tears and inside felt
the raw and hurt center cry out
don’t come back don’t ever come back
they were only eleven years old
lying on the floor in the outside toilets
staring at the stars hardly there because of all the smog
her lungs filled with hurt
they were her friends
until they became rabid dogs
she didn’t know what switched the switch or why
they felt she was there to poke and prod
they were too small and she was too small and everything about it
was premature
which meant
waiting until it happened again
she wasn’t a victim but some things reoccur
as if on some awful cycle
sometimes she’d shudder thinking about
their little hard cocks
trying to pry their way in
the way it felt to be hurt like that
with unwashed fingers scrabbling and opening
the parts of her nobody should
she could visualize the cement beneath her
the smell of urinals and their unwashed genitals
if they had known enough to put them in her mouth
they would have
thankful for small mercies she knew
kids these days wouldn’t be so innocent
they see porn before they know how to spell
pornography
what ideas they must get and how
many bad things go on behind closed doors
or even ones held shut by little boys
seeking to immitate older brothers
she would have impaled them with
her rage if she wasn’t so ashamed
so she said absolutely nothing to anyone
least of all the teachers who would have
called her a slut who asked for it
even at eleven years old.
***
When she reached fourteen
the Golem returned
held her down, muffled her mouth
stuck it in like a needle threading through skin
her scream pierced every limb
and nobody heard
nobody wondered why
she wasn’t home for dinner
her plate was left in the fridge
she was emptied of the last piece
of her soul
left gasping where her privacy had been
legs spread and men hustling in
one after the other took their turn
after all wasn’t it a party? Make it count!
her face closed off and remote like she was dead
some of them were small and bony
their penises hardly large enough to feel
between the soreness and the swelling
others bore into her like a metalic truck
thrusting her back onto her thin tail bone
hands around her neck
fingers pinching her nipples and breasts
they filled her with a disgusting smell
she was never going to be whole again
or clean
and when it was over, it had just begun
face after face, cock after cock
a tape on repeat of her worst nightmare
they came, they came and they went
the only evidence there staining the bed
and her rubbery legs unable to flee
tied and sodomized like a string of beads
she flew out of her crumpled body
a bird of wing and feather only
she saw someone she almost recognized
torn and ribboned and splayed
a garish doll, a parody, a destroyed shape
someone she was no longer
as she lifted, higher and higher, beyond that point
no pain anymore just the thick blush of shame
hidden in plumage
she felt nothing but
a choking word on her tongue
WRONG
WRONG
WRONG
her child’s form
her hardly grown self
the silence of nothing
then it did not matter
what time she wasn’t coming home
all the world was quiet now
movement had stilled
the door was shut
nobody knocked
nobody unbuttoned their pants
and sank to their knees
lifting her up for one more final
free fuck
as if she were no more than a hole
not a human
not a worthy soul
immitation the greatest form of flattery
is not
she was cold now to the touch
her spirit somewhere in the stars
it took one finger to break into her
and a record set on repeat playing
over and over until it scratched
and could not play
anymore
the song of rape.
For all the survivors whose voices are quashed.
TheFeatheredSleep 
Dearest Meg, thank you so much lovely girl for your encouragement I really wanted to get this right and it be a testimony to those who suffer in silence xo Thank you girl
My friend I think you do also, with your compassion. You have a true compassion that few people possess, it’s not surface or superficial or guilt-provoked, it’s a true soul of compassion and that is why I hold you in such high regard.
Dear Sania, you are so right and that is exactly why I wrote it, for the many, many who never say anything, who may cannot, or did not survive, their stories must be heard and witnessed, change comes from us not denying what is happening but facing it. Thank you for reading this and your kind comment, I am very grateful to you.
I’m glad you tried because the point is only to spread the word about this not being okay. I tried to write an amalgam of stories I had heard, in order to provoke that kind of feeling, I know it was disturbing and that was the point. Thank you again!
Dearest Hyperion, thank you for reading this! I did try to write something that would shine a light on what is happening unchecked throughout the world. Recently there has been a rash of rapes in India that have been finally published and many are talking about it whereas before they were really not able to, I want to add to that dialogue and bring about justice and change. Thank you so much for caring and maybe having seen this first hand and witnessed those atrocities you understand better than most. Thank you my friend
Thank you for reading this – when we stop looking away and we speak out for the victims maybe we find a way for change for all those who suffered. Thank you again xo
Very true – I was reading about how many rapes are now being talked about in India and shining a light on what’s been happening for ages and it inspired me to write an amalgam of experiences I had either witnessed or heard and I wanted to try to shine a light on what’s going on unchecked because maybe if we all do something will change. Thank you for reading and writing me about this, I really appreciate it xo
💖
You are most welcome. ❤
You can count on me to call it what it is and try to stop it in whatever way possible. For all of our sakes, we cannot allow this to stay hidden from view. I say this too often, but I read once that poets are the bullets in truth’s bandoleer. You speak a mighty truth we need to hear.
Heartbreaking…. Especially as a mother of 2 young girls. It makes me want to hold them close…💔
My respect for the writing, and the courage behind it.
Thanks. It helps to have irresistible writers and poets to respond to.
Thank you. Been there. Sending love.
Sending love back my friend
Thank you very much Vidur xo
OMG, Candace. This was so incredibly powerful and difficult to read, but I agree with the others that you are giving voice to those who have remained silent. This piece should be shared in all schools as it so painfully expresses how the victim loses her soul during these rapes. You have such a way with words, to express such emotion. I honor you for this gift that you have and share with others. Thank you!
💓 I know it’s not popular but it is necessary thank you my friend 💓
Powerful, poignant. A great read, but also so painful.
Don’t apologise. Sometimes wefting graphic words is necessary. Just thought I’d used your fave word again 🙂
My pleasure TFS! You write with your own stylistic signature and I’m a fan … and mostly I’m not turned away so easily. 💟
Such an important & powerful write on a topic that too many turn a blind eye to, until it affects them in a personal way. Parts of this made me want to cry & parts made me very angry that my gender can be so brutal & uncaring at times. I know you said “not all men are rapists” & “it’s not a purely gender thing”, but the brutality you so poignantly described happens far to often all over this world & the victims are predominately female. You never have to apologize for bringing to light what far too many women have experienced in their lives at the hands of heartless, uncaring men.
This is a shocking and powerful poem on a subject that needs to be shouted about. Some years ago I was living in a place that was loosely called a commune. I was in charge of the permaculture garden, and often worked one-to -one with other residents. Some of them shared their most private stories with me. I was horrified to discover that at least three of the women I worked with had – like me – been raped at some point. One of them had suffered a horrifying gang rape and only told one other living soul – a close relative who died unexpectedly, less than two weeks later. She couldn’t ride herself of the idea that she had killed her. I tried to get all three women to agree to go public with their stories. None of them would do it – they were too ashamed. I still think it would have been liberating – for them and for others who had suffered similarly.
That’s the worst thing – the shame. Deep down you believe that you must have done something to deserve it – especially if it has happened to you more than once. But if you talk about it, the shame eventually goes away.
You have such a powerful voice. People would be foolish not to listen.
I’ve been deeply bothered by a blog post that was written by a man that was a poem that he said was inspired by trying to write what it felt like to rape someone. Sick fucker. I blocked him. Yeah, we don’t write glamorizing rape poetry. I haven’t really been back on wordpress since. He said he’d write more positive poetry in the future. No thanks bud.
Sooooo moving on…this was about as raw and real as it gets.
It needed to be graphic. People need to understand that the word rape is such a small word for pages and pages of horror and sorrow and a lifetime of recovering in tiny tiny steps if even at all.
So thank you for writing this.
I know that there is such a thing as ‘free expression’ but WTF? How is it okay to write a poem inspired by trying to feel what it’s like to rape someone? Don’t see how that’s okay. Do you have the addy for that post I’d like to contact WP about it. Yeah who cares if he ‘wrote more positive poetry after’ that’s just fucked up. I’ve read some rape-fantasies that women have had but it was clearly a fantasy and not in any way glamorizing rape (you could still argue it’s dodgy but I’ll leave that to the individual) I have noticed in many books I read men often write rape scenes. Sometimes I wonder if they get their rocks off writing them. It does matter who is writing them just as it would if a white person were writing about black experience. Of course men get raped too so that’s another story and I’m sure they wouldn’t be pleased reading a glamorizing rape thing either. Thank you for your support, you are always the best in that way and I hope you know I support you equally and hold you up to the light my friend. As an aside, I remember when I Spit On Your Grave was banned in Europe and I saw a bootleg copy as a teen and I was blown away. For me a rape-revenge film has value. It isn’t banned here in America and I”m glad because it’s got a really valid point. Last House On The Left was almost as good but not quite. They’re the only rape-revenge films I know but they sort of settle things a bit. xo
Thank you very much for this re-blog I am very grateful the word is being spread among us to help others. Thank you
Ah thank you lovely I really appreciate your vote of confidence that means a lot thank you very much
Dear Jane, first off, thank you for writing this to me, I am very grateful and it’s lovely to hear your thoughts on this as I value your opinion very much. I think you hit the nail on the head, this is about shame and that’s what makes this such a harmful thing beyond the obvious harm of the actual physical act and the subsequent ramifications of that act. People rarely talk about how shaming our society and world at large is, to both women and men, girls and boys, who are raped. How right you are. I’m really glad you tried to help those girls but sometimes no matter how hard you try you cannot, I agree with you it would be liberating, maybe they will eventually, we can only hope. You are so right about talking about things helping with the shame, thank you my wise and talented friend for your thoughts on this they are very appreciated as you are.
Thank you my brother. For your words. I wish you would write more on this and other subjects as you of all the people I know are so aware and sensitive to these subjects you could really be a voice for men and I know you would help men and women alike by your wisdom and insight, maybe you should write on your blog (HINT HINT!) 😉 It isn’t just your gender, women can rape too although it’s more men than women, many men are raped by men too. You are so right all that you say. I wish that things would change, I have to hope they will. xo
Thank you my friend I am very grateful you read this I think it’s a msg to be shared for all
Yes it is
Oh he put a nice little clause about how heinous of a crime it is and he meant no offense so WP doesnt see it as I saw it. I’d be interested in your thoughts. https://prakharbansalblog.wordpress.com/2018/04/13/secrets-of-dark/
Rape revenge movies I don’t mind one bit!
And the freedom of speech thing I understand I just feel this guy taints the word “poetry” by his words. As he puts it to get in the mind of a rapist and YET somehow it seems that he enjoyed this just like rape fantasies and he also is so fucking wrong on sexualizing rape. It is power. All power and control. I don’t understand the whole bondage thing. I know of a woman who writes these books and I think to each their own but I am curious what is in her head that has her tie up and beat women in her book and the women like it. And maybe some women do. I have no idea. But none of this has any place in a rape survivors world in my opinion. Not in my world at least.
I”m with you it does taint the word poetry coming from him. It would be different if he were a survivor. To get into the mind of a rapist,… why would someone want to do that aside to get their jollies off? Gross. I don’t get it either. Maybe the cliche that those into bondage are bored people who have never experienced bad things, is more true than not … when you are a survivor it just seems rotten and absurd. I’m going to check his blog out I am sure I will get angry
Urgh just read his response to you which was SO DISMISSIVE and how so many women liked this poem? Did they READ IT! I wrote a comment but I know he will be dismissive of that too – I totally agree with your take on it NOT OKAY but what makes me so angry is EIGHTY people liked it. WTF?
I’m so glad you weighed in on this. That whole scenario bothered me. The entire package deal of the 80 people that liked it. His response to me, etc. how could anyone be OK with what he wrote. It is not poetry. It is not artistic. It is sick. Sickening. I mean…if I read something from beginning to end, which I did, and it triggers me into feeling like I’m going to throw up, well then something is not ok about it. And that is how it made me feel. Sickened. I have been sickened by what has happened to other women but to be sickened by a man trying to write a poem about being a rapist!!! Who DOES that! And to say he’ll write something more positive in the future. No thanks. This is not about being positive. I write some dark poetry about my experiences with abuse but they are real life experiences, derived from my experiences, feelings, or what has happened to others. What he did. I am not ok with it. I’m glad you left a comment.
I just started thinking today….so there are all of these women and girls being abused, raped, trafficked. It takes someone to rape them, traffick them, buy them, for this to work. For this probably billion dollar industry of sex trafficking it takes a man to use that girl and rape her and THAT is what someone chose to write a poem about. I suppose unless you’ve beeen raped or can have intuitive empathy towards someone who has then you would not be offended. But the 80 people who liked it just reminded me of all those who turn their heads and look the other way to abuse. All of those who participate in abuse. All who perpetuate the continuation of abuse. It made me think of all of them. So I will get 3 likes on a poem that is deeply felt that I have written and he gets 80 on what it feels to be a rapist. Is this what people want to read? It just disgusted me. Can you tell???? So when you wrote what you wrote I was like ok thank heavens someone can counter his bullshit with reality check.
I’m pleased you mentioned men who are raped. It is even more difficult for them to talk of it. the fear that they will be disbelieved – or even mocked – is so much greater.
BTW, you inspired my poem for the day. Although I know that men are not always to blame, it is a shout-out for women who are abused at masculine hands.
Bold, brave, and unafraid. I hear your voice so clearly, warrior….and the others you have written this for will hear you too. ❤
Always my dear