Before goodbye


They tell me it is wicked

to need more than you can have

and I have wanted the sugar cube

melting into hot coffee

watching you stir it to vanishing

the quick switch of your hand

mindful of those savage times

when I lay beneath you

cradled in your surge

until the sky grew pink and grey

and like with all happiness we put away

the dream

you turned as I passed

profile in regret

I waved back

it was caught in

blur of movement

ever going from you

ever saying goodbye without recompense, for nothing can

mend the emptiness of hours spent apart

still I wave

my arm aches from how hard

I slow the car and through the rain

time and again I see you receding into distance

everything is blurred

my eyes cry even as I do not know they are

the world is awash in water and salt and regret

and yet I do not regret for how, how then?

to say it wasn’t worth the pain when

that break in my chest feels like I am dying

and living

you don’t see the place within me that is yours

nor do you realize how I clamor for something

beyond this mortal torture

where you are always obscured by time

and I

I wait inside for no one else

there is only the sound of rain against glass

only the smell of car radiators trying vainly to

warm the cold

there is only the feel of your hand in mine

only the movement of us against the other

one last time

dissolving forward into car lights

reflecting against weeping tarmac

shining, they dance like lovers across the pitch

blinking away tears

only the reach of you inside of me

there is nothing if there is not


for you are

that essential part of me

yearning and hurting

with joy only found




44 thoughts on “Before goodbye

  1. As always, you know…I am honored to be in your thoughts.
    and my heart is continually billowed up by your faith and opinion of my work. Knowing how much I admire and respect your own, You know that feeling is something north of euphoric.

    This piece grabbed my heart hard. Had me fighting back tears (was at work and didn’t want to be bawling at my desk)

    particularly this part that I’ve heard my heart say at some point in my lifetime:

    you don’t see the place within me that is yours
    nor do you realize how I clamor for something
    beyond this mortal torture

    You are brilliant and I am so blessed to know you. ❤

  2. I had some lines to quote, but then it felt like I would not be acknowledging the rest of the poem in its beautiful yet melancholic flow.

    This is a great piece of writing, Candice. Profound from start to finish.

  3. Oh my heart! ❤ Shieldmaiden, what a beautiful description of a heartfelt goodbye. Love this so much. ❤

  4. Was just talking about you to Anthony (Grumpy Gorman) and saying you were the only other person (male) I think could write a sexual assault awareness poem and do it justice. So you must have known I had you on my mind 😉 xo

  5. A beautiful and sad love poem, left me with misty eyes,
    “cradled in your surge
    until the sky grew pink and grey”

  6. This flows ever so gently yet cuts in all the right places. I was remembering a relationship, where I was so madly in love, but eventually left the other person, because there was nothing there were willing to commit to. So I left. And it hurt, but it also healed. I feel redundant writing this but I have to thank you again for writing this. 💜

  7. You hooked me from the giddy-up – “They tell me it is wicked to need more than you can have and I have wanted the sugar cube melting into hot coffee watching you stir it to vanishing.”
    I’ve missed your poetry… I’ll simply leave my comments there.

  8. Totally thrilled to see you here DEAREST Malakhai. I missed you why have you not been on my news feed for WP? Thank you dear one for coming here and reading me and for existing as the inspiration you are beautiful soul xo

  9. I had to look that word up! I confess! 😉 Thank you dearest I have been steadily praying for your healing and reading your updates mostly on FB – so glad you are healing and wishing you complete and full healing and a lovely summer (everyone there says it’s very hot this year so hopefully not too hot)

  10. I actually don’t like when people shorten my name. So it’s very intuitive of you to call me by my actual name! The only one to shorten/change it that I loved was my Nana who called me Bethy.

  11. (Breathes huge sigh of relief) I know what you mean, it’s an assumption. People call me ‘Cand’ which isn’t very nice-sounding, it’s funny when and how they do that, how some people you’ve known for years won’t and others, you’ve known minutes, will. Anyway very glad my intuition (which can be notoriously shit) worked for once. Definitely think the only one ‘worthy’ of any name-adding/changing/shortening would be a loved grandmother. xo

  12. It’s as if shortening a name…to me…always is equated to someone trying to assume or presume or imply (so many words) that they are close enough to me to GET to do that. I go by “mama” from my daughter. ” The mama” by my husband sometimes which I always find funny and even occasionally Beffy which was shortened from when he heard my Nana call me Bethy. But yep. Otherwise. Bethany it is. ALTHOUGHHHHH for some time I considered changing my name. Isn’t that a wild one! I like the name Bethany but it didn’t feel like ME. My daughter and husband shut that shit down in a blink of an eye 🙂 so here I still am as Bethany.
    I would not take kindly to “cand” or candy or anything of the sort unless it was a lovingly grandmother given name like you said. I bet your intuition is just fine. It’s just you don’t see the bad soon enough because your heart is so pure that it goes to the good first. Then you see the bad too late and think your intuition is broken when really you are just such a good person that it isn’t in your core self to see the bad right away. Just some thoughts on that. My husband and daughter say I am the worst judge of character ever and I know it is because I typically look for the good. But can’t say that as of late. I have become wary of people and for good reason and I don’t feel bad about that for one second. I’m tired of being used as a garbage can.

  13. That’s funny because I’d say you were a superb judge of character. But I do think when you’re kind you can let in the darkness along with the light. I’m glad you didn’t change your name. I’m glad you’re you. Intuition is one thing but there are many deceiving people out there it’s hard. You give me faith in this world being as you are, there are less of you than you may realize, it takes courage to be like you. We sisters of the violet moon must stick together. 💓

  14. Into the proof reviewing now, and then it’ll go back to the printer. Shouldn’t be too much longer! Am nervous but excited about it. 😳
    How’re you doing, Candice? I think of you often!

  15. So beautiful, so haunting. I need to reblog this for my sister, who will never know the pain she has caused me with her narcissism. I have nominated you for the Mystery Blogger Award! If you are interested, please see my latest post! Love you, kitten.

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