The outsider

38638686_1843766582406138_8072796370370560000_nshe wasn’t like them, so they didn’t like her

to her face they smiled and said ‘nice things’

which she knew were lies

behind her back they laughed

and made dirty-lezzie jokes

because it made them uncomfortable

to think about what they thought she did

it made them feel a bit disgusted

like when you stand too close

she looked like them in superficial ways

wore at times, nicer dresses and had longer hair

the fact that she liked girls wasn’t in their

comfort zone

when it was summer time they had

BBQ’s and invited all the neighborhood kids

wondering if she would be safe around minors or

would do something inappropriate

when they started a mommy running club

she wasn’t invited because she was neither

a mommy or someone they wanted to

bare their secrets with

what would she understand of husbands?

maybe their husbands liked her

because she was unavailable

when it was Halloween they made candy and

knocked on all the doors but hers

because the other mothers said best to avoid

what they did not care to know

that’s why she lived a harder life than she had to

for there is almost nothing worse than pretend friendliness

leaving you more alone than if they said what they thought

and spat in your face

if you think that’s an exaggeration or she feels

sorry for herself

think on the tiny percent of the world

where being gay is safe or legal

and the huge part of the world where it is forbidden or punished

think on how many lament at

the shift in culture toward acceptance

calling it a ruination of our society with all

those damn fags

compare it to those who truly feel inclusive

how every day isn’t the same

when you have to contend with not fitting in

making everyone else feel uncomfortable

just by existing

nor can you talk about what matters to you

just in-case visual images abound and people

begin to change the subject

if it were a choice … a lifestyle … few would make it

yet she exists

wishing sometimes the phone would ring

another girl like her would say

I know how you feel

would you like to go for a walk?

she is a gay princess in a tower

and her princess

is somewhere in the world perhaps

thinking the same thoughts

two outsiders

unable to find each other

79 thoughts on “The outsider

  1. Right now, this resonates so much…

    “for there is almost nothing worse than pretend friendliness
    leaving you more alone than if they said what they thought
    and spat in your face
    if you think that’s an exaggeration or she feels
    sorry for herself
    think on the tiny percent of the world
    where being gay is safe or legal
    and the huge part of the world where it is forbidden or punished”

    Appropriate title to accompany some powerful words.

  2. This is incredible. I connect to it so much. I also love reading “gay” as if it means gleefully happy — because after all, most people prefer to talk about, and feel, misery over true childlike playfulness and joy.

  3. As far as I’ve ever been able to tell, my brain is hard-wired Hetero, and that makes it easy to understand that someone else’s is wired another way (any of several other ways). So, I’ve never felt threatened by those who have that difference and sometimes want to yell of behalf of friends, “It’s not a choice, and it’s not contagious, and it’s none of your business, you damned fools.”

  4. Thank you. Hardest write in a while as I find it hard to get away from thinking i’m being too whiny but it’s on a far bigger scale than anything to do with myself. Thank you for appreciating my effort.

  5. Just wrote you a very belated email I had a relapse so I haven’t been very well but I did just write you sorry for the delay. Yes I agree w/u that it is hard to imagine most of the world, the majority, is this way, sometimes that blows my mind. I did think some people may take this as a mememe poem and it wasn’t meant to be at all but a world-poem about how so many feel. I guess a lot of the time people don’t want to hear it, don’t want to go there, but that is exactly why they should

  6. Thank you friend. It is sad. I know my sadder subject poems are never as well received but they are necessary to talk about, for those small percentile who experience this, are part of us all and it is not going to change until we do face it rather than thinking everything is okay. Thank you for reading I really appreciate that

  7. A story that few ever tell because it’s not cool it’s not PC it’s not even interesting to most, hence why I felt it necessary. Thank you so much for reading it I appreciate that

  8. Thank you so much for reading this. It is a story that will not go down well, it will not be popular or even liked, it will cause people to sigh and say ‘enough already’ but the thing is, for those who experience this, there is no enough already, it may be boring to the rest of the world but it really affects those people every single day, I guess I see poetry as being a vehicle to express truths, though I know many of my truths are not what people want to hear this is why they ought to. Thank you so much for reading

  9. Thank you Michael for reading. I agree. But I am not sure they will any more than they accept other ‘minorities’ which of course are only minorities because they are told they are. It seems people en mass don’t want to be including they want to exclude. I realized as I wrote it that people may have ugly thoughts in their heads reading it, I have been told so many times to shut up about such subjects, it’s like JUST DO NOT SAY IT but that is exactly why I do, because as hard as it is, it must be said so someone else can understand what it really feels like. I think until you understand you can’t see why it would matter. Empathy is everything but it’s in short-supply in our world. thank you for being one of the minority in that you care xo

  10. Ah I wish you would. The point here though is how it can ruin so much, just in tiny minor ways, how many times this exact story has been shared with me, the loneliness the isolation the peripheral. It may not seem so bad compared to starving children or genocide but it is a death of sorts, it is a cruelty and I know as I write it, people roll their eyes, and sigh, and pass over it, but I also know if it doesn’t matter to write something like this, what does matter? Sometimes I want to write what will be popular but then I think about what writing really is about and for me, it’s not always entertainment so much as nourishment of the soul and surely that includes how it really is. It is extremely hard for me to be this honest I don’t do it for attention I do it because I think it is the right thing to do even if one person changes as a result. Thank you for your support

  11. We’re all people, just wanting to love and be loved. Not everyone loves the same.

  12. You are so skilled at displaying the awkwardness, and isolation, and pain of one who is not accepted. Although this poem is specifically about the experiences of a gay woman, the feelings behind it can be applied universally to any of us who are made to feel like an outsider, because something about us is different. Thank you for sharing this.

  13. You can come visit me too, if you want to.

    It’s not always open, but for now …

    And I think your truths are very much what people want to hear. I do, at least. I love your work. Always. I worry when you go a few days without posting.

  14. You are so right my friend, it can apply to anything. A friend of mine who is African American and feels left out because she is told she is too white to be black by black folk and too dark to be white by white folk, or a woman I know who is disabled and feels nobody really wants to hang with her, as it’s ‘a hassle’ or a man I know who is blind. I know my experiences are nothing compared to those things, at the same time as you so rightly say they are universal experiences some of us have, and they can be very damaging. I have always had a radar for the left-out person ever since I was a kid, I’d try to be with them so they would not hurt. Thank you for appreciating this as it was hard to write, you are a lovely person my friend

  15. The desire to make themselves feel better by tearing down another person rather than lifting them up, or letting them be

  16. Sooner or later, no doubt, I’ll get my chance. I do feel the importance of sharing work like this by you and others who know better than I do, even though I suspect I’m mostly preaching to the choir. Still, even the choir needs support.

  17. Often it is a fear of the unknown. As if the person who is ‘different’ is somehow a threat. To what? They probably do not even know….

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