The unlit room

pexels-photo-241705 - Copy

like a surveyor of tea leaves or coffee grains

you have only seen the bad in me

mama, there is more than that

so forgive me if I hope, you don’t read this

though as I write in the unlit room

with unfurling gloom of coming dark

shadows whisk past in fast motion

like hunting birds intent on victim

pictures of another life

when I close my eyes I hear your voice

imagine home, it includes you

exile is a word I find hard

thinking we’d find a way all these years

my child heart foolishness

we try to repair the mauled favorite toy

we try to reclaim the torn moment

but time moves on and people

betray each other as easily

as reading congealed tea leaves

so read them, tell me my fate

I am sure you think you know

and as the words come pouring out

each one designed for maximum hurt

I will grow away from you like a plant

facing determined shadow will

strain toward the purity of light

I didn’t want this

it wasn’t my wish, the choice was removed

but I am, contrary to your belief

not dying of my own poison

the illness within me

will be healed

and that part that blames me for everything

lying in you, a furious envelope

that tells me I am responsible for my suffering

will meet

the karma we all must face

when cruelty is reflected back at us

I had hoped so much all these long years

for your mercy and your presence

but as they told me

you cannot long for something you never had

cannot make someone feel what they do not feel

you asked me why I called today

I knew you would lash out, I knew it would hurt

and maybe like a penitent I felt

saying goodbye and letting you know

I love you, was worth the scald

because I had a dream

it was a dream I lived a long and healthy life

it wasn’t with you and you were not there

somehow I still smiled and carried on

and when I woke I wanted to ask you

how could I ever live without you?

when you brought me into this world

I know your voice, as I know myself

and I have loved you more than anyone

but I already hear the answer

burning the silence of my stare like a

forgotten match wicking itself to fabric

devouring oxygen and matter like

a scream will penetrate quiet night

I know, in the slick loathe of your tone

the way you know just how to plunge the knife

you don’t need me you say, you never did

I am an unwanted thing, better disguarded

let loose to tumble into the past, better never born

and though I may not know it now

you set me free as I forgive the ache

letting go of all those years of chasing

those folded sorrowful times of indifference

to claim what we should all have

the knowledge of real love

instead of being reminded of

someone who never thought you worthy or special

who happened to give birth

with the anger of a condemned prisoner

Oh and I wish

I could go back in time and undo

that bloody hour

where you never had

to endure the pain of bringing me into the world

for surely

I would

that is the point of unconditional love

you give even when it hurts

and I would dissolve me to save you

but it is too late for that

and for wishing I had a daughter

I could pour my heart into

but I will find something else

maybe out there in the wild where

people do not carve out pain with

the sharp edges of their own

and when I told you I would always love you

I meant it

even as you push me away one last and final time

which I accept

with the gait of one who knows

she has more life ahead

in the bowers of empty space

among the fir trees growing like prayer

toward the glassy reflecting heavens

it will not always be so sad

it will not always be so sad

 

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40 thoughts on “The unlit room

  1. You give…
    Her too much credit. I know and you know I know what it’s like to have a Mom treat you like you’re nothing. She has to change, be willing to, want to. A daughter should never have to beg for her mother’s love, a child shouldn’t, period.

    Some of us have managed to grow with our parents, to hear their apologies and watch them DO BETTER. I pray for the day you get that happening too. And if you don’t, you have done everything and I mean everything.

    It’s not your fault.

  2. You are a very special person and writer, Candice. Such a pleasure to have crossed paths with you!

    Have a wonderful evening!

  3. “And it’s hard and it’s hard, ain’t it hard
    To love one that never did love you?
    And it’s hard and it’s hard, ain’t it hard, great God
    To love one that never will be true?” – Woody Guthrie – “Hard, Ain’t It Hard”
    And so hard to let go that idea they might change, and walk away toward a better day, still loving them, but from afar.

  4. Perfect lines. Yes, letting go. It’s taken me so long. Bit I’m proud of that even. Because if I’d done it sooner I would have loved less. And I always love fiercely which is why I love so few. TY for the balance of your heart.

  5. Letting go of the blame others placed into us has been (and is) one of the major struggles of my own life. This broke my heart for you again. We still do give love even to the ones who withhold and treat us with cruel indifference if not downright contempt. I cant stop myself for longing for absent love and giving it to compensate in some way despite the fact I am shown more and more every day how fruitless it all is. Sending you love. ❤

  6. For the most part, those who let go quickly (which is not the same as doing it seemingly suddenly after long effort) were not, I think, holding on very strongly in the first place.

  7. This was so profound. I too had to let go. Hope that, somehow, someday…
    I’m luckier though, it’s not my mom, who may have suffered who knows what before you were born, or to give birth to you. It’s my child.
    The rejection is hard, still.
    XO

  8. So good to hear this. It hurts and it’s an awful kind of hurt, but you are walking in the right direction. And you deserve it because you are wonderful and worthy. I love you ❤

  9. Have you read Robert Frost’s The Trial by Existence? It is often said we cannot choose our parents, and yet somehow, I know we do … ah, a mother’s love is what the writer gives to her, the roles are reversed, the love is forever …

  10. wrought golden word mastery, and my hearts hurts a bit. Love you my friend, this is really powerful. I know how it feels and you have my sympathy

  11. “and as the words come pouring out
    each one designed for maximum hurt”
    Intentional infliction of pain and this to a young, innocent. Every line is a dagger to the heart which you’ve had to endure. Just remember you are loved! ❤

  12. Wow 😯😥😥 I don’t know you but I know the feeling of wanting to hear your mother say that she loves you. It is very difficult to grow up without the affection of one of the most important person’s in your life. Specially when she is alive and doesn’t express any emotions. I try to justify mine by saying she does’t know how to express her emotions, for my own good. I truly believe that writing down our deepest feelings helps us to keep on going with our lives. Respectfully, Marie.

  13. Dear Marie, Thank you so much for your kind words. I could not agree more. The hardest part is knowing she is alive but doesn’t want much to do with me. I do blame myself. Which I know I should not do. But I think when something isn’t normal we look to blame ourselves or the other, in my case the former because I think it can be too easy to blame the other person but the real answer is nobody is to blame. She is who she is. Not a bad person. I admire her and will always love her. But I am not the sort of person she wanted I truly think things would have been better for her had she not had a child, as it just provoked guilt and feelings of inadequacy. But not everyone should be a mother. I would like to have been. But there are reasons for everything. I’m not sure what reason there is here. I just know I have to write about it to get the hurt out. I appreciate your kindness so much.

  14. TY dear heart and I hope your trip today goes wonderfully. Thank you also for reading me when I know you don’t like maudlin stuff and yet you do read me faithfully and I am very, very appreciative.

  15. TY and I miss you. I hope you are okay. Is it raining where you are? It’s raining here. Figured you’d be getting it too. Love you also brother – hope you are doing okay and please drop me a line when you have time. BIG HUGS

  16. Ah I have. What a brilliant way (only you evoke this) of seeing it. I like that very much. It is healing. I do believe someone lives through our love of them. My mother will always have my love, she deserves it and I feel it unconditionally no matter what. I would never wish to turn to hate or resentment it only dries you up into something awful. TY my clever friend. TY.

  17. I hope so. And I hope I see you next month too 😉 (just being cheeky!) seriously though I hope I mean what I say (about the positive side) and it’s not just putting out what I would like to feel. I know I feel the love, it’s just how to rid myself of the pain that’s tricky. HUGS and thank you, you are a wonderful friend to me and I hope you know I’m always, always here for you also – we walk through together x

  18. My beautiful friend. TY for your words. I hope somehow someday is EXACTLY right. You’re not luckier it is just as hard if it is your child just as hard. It really is about how much you love someone not their role. I am so sorry my friend you are such a lovely person and I would not wish that pain on you but I lift you to the light ALWAYS

  19. Ah my sister I know how you feel I think we are quite alike in many ways. TY for reading and writing me. I do think giving love cannot be a bad thing. Of course, knowing boundaries is essential. Yes like you I longed for far too long, far too long. But it says more about the goodness of your heart than anything negative. I know you well enough to say you have a beautiful heart. I am always in awe of someone who has been hurt and can still feel. Sending you equal love dearest

  20. This is breathtaking. This part placed me in absolute awe:
    “maybe out there in the wild where
    people do not carve out pain with
    the sharp edges of their own”

  21. Oh my.. your words pierce my heart.. for I am a daughter and a mama – a most treasured gift of love.. if you weren’t or aren’t loved unconditionally by your mom- what a horrible loss for her.. her issues don’t define you..
    you are perfectly and wonderfully made – there are no mistakes.. I am so glad you love yourself – no one does it better.. always know your worth❤️

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