Mental Health Awareness Week

She doesn’t look sick…..

She isn’t sick.

But a black hole is eating her from the inside out.

The devour has no real description

It defies the usual ones, it has a wider mouth, deeper jaw, longer bite

The thing of it is .. the shame .. that’s the worst part

The little voice which sometimes sounds like your mother and sometimes sounds like every voice that ever said; What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you snap out of it?

Sometimes … a day will be piercingly beautiful … like the most beautiful song you ever heard and every sense will be electrified

And still you will long to fall on the ground sobbing

If they saw you they would ask; What’s wrong? It’s a beautiful day! Why can’t you appreciate life! Are you ungrateful?

And you would nod your head and admit; Yes I must be ungrateful. How else can you explain it?

For those who believe in God, you feel stricken, maybe you feel God is punishing you for some transgression with the black dog who never leaves your side

If he does leave then you know he will return and it is just a false waiting game, a pose of chess pieces with their fates already inscribed

They talk about other things that matter and feel empathy, sympathy

But when someone has a mental disease they are considered weak, inferior, selfish, inadequate

Wherever you go – there you are

Sometimes you wonder why it is you can write so much in November and nothing through July.

As if a giant claw had possessed your feelings and sank its nails deep into your marrow

When you date people you feel as if you should come with a disclaimer;

I may look pretty, I may have qualifications and a clean house, but beneath this surface please note … I am subject to changing and crying when the sun shines for no discernible reason

Sometimes in the middle of a party you want to run away from the crowd and bury your face in the grass out in the forest – feeling more alone than if you were locked underground in a prison cell

Often there is absolutely no way of describing this so you simply do not and that sets you apart as someone who carries a dark feeling without a voice

Occasionally someone will remark on the sadness in your eyes and you will smile as hard as you can to dispel it because it feels like a giant stain that everyone could see

If they cared to

Many times in subtle ways people will show you that they think you are weaker than them in the little methods of selection and choice

Family will condemn you and sharpen the quill when you are down because it is easier to kill a deer when it has fallen

You try to be grateful and you are, but it never seems so in the midst of sadness because sadness will devour any gratitude whole

And lovers will tell you … you’re not even happy to be with me are you? And you want to say, oh yes I am! But the sadness will envelop your voice and they will leave you … disappointed

There isn’t a week of mental illness, there isn’t a day for depression. There are years upon years upon years

And little adverts on TV about “If your current anti-depressant isn’t working considering taking (and paying) for another one to boost it!” Just fill you with impotent rage.

Often, you feel you are not worthy simply because you are depressed, it is a stigma that invades every aspect of your being, you believe you are not worth the same as others because of the darkness you carry around on your back

In the early morning when you lie in bed and the first rays of sun come through your window, you may forget who you are, and decide you are not going to be labeled or given a description, you are going to be

free

and that may last a while until the next time you feel like blowing your brains out

and then it’s the greatest betrayal you ever felt and it seems as if you do it to yourself

like a hand inside a black velvet glove

stroking dreams until they grow cold

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39 thoughts on “Mental Health Awareness Week

  1. There is a TV show on Tuesday’s – New Amsterdam – where they focus not only on physical disease, but also mental health. There was on scene recently where the psych Dr went to see a young girl he helped, and she was sad when seeing him. Later she told him, that because she had bared her soul to him, because he knew her when she was broken, it hurt her to see him again … He told her two powerful things – one – that she was never “broken” and two – that she didn’t need him anymore. Paul Levy is his book about Wetiko / Mind Virus tell us that todays mental health establishment so not want to “heal’ us (not does the medical establishment) It wants to keep us in therapy. He escaped, but few ever do … It is no more mental health, than today’s prison are correctional institutions. Will it ever change? Yes, if you keep writing, and holding out your hand, asking others “come to me, you are not alone” :’-| – Am I wrong?

  2. This is such a moving piece as you touched every nerve of what it feels like. When I read the part of relationship/dating, that truly hit a nerve. Before I was diagnosed with mental illness, my fiance’ (EX) kicked me out of our apartment, because I was suicidal and he couldn’t/wouldn’t even try to understand what was happening to me. He even went as far as to say, “I don’t care if you’re dead.”
    It took years in the making, and it will continue to take the rest of my life to live with mental illness. “A work in progress” if you will.
    I am thrilled beyond words I survived that time in my life and so much better since he is out of it.

  3. Thank you so much I really, really appreciate you reading this lovely Beckie and for your reblog. You are so kind. I am VERY sorry this happened to you. It can last a life time in terms of feeling as visceral today as it was then. Things people say stay with you. I am glad you keep trying I think highly of you and your struggle is real and courageous. XXXXXX

  4. You know I have seen that show New Amsterdam. I believe it is based on a really, really great book called FOREVER which is about one of my absolute favorite ever. So obviously the TV show didn’t do it for me like the book did but it still was good. If we are thinking of the same one as I haven’t seen it in a while. mmm but it doesn’t sound like the book so I might be totally off base and will have to find the one you are talking about I will need to read about MIND VIRUS that sounds so fascinating. You always top up my book list in such a good way! You are NEVER wrong

  5. Aww, I appreciate your kind and thoughtful words too.
    What happened to me in 2015, was the best thing that could have happened. I’m still alive.
    Although bipolar and depression try to drag me dwon daily, I fight it tooth and nail to keep my head above water. WP is a great forum in order to keep my focus, plus keep me from ruminating on the past.

  6. Definitely based on the book – Forever – I recall seeing in in the title when the show starts up. I get bored with hospital shows, but this one has great writing and acting, and like I said they treat mental health as something real … check out Dispelling Wetiko: Breaking the Curse of Evil by Paul Levy – There is a large amount of information on the web about it too. It is a term coined by the Native American’s …

  7. Sorry New Amsterdam is based on the Book 12 Patients – Life and Death at Bellevue Hospital – Looks like Forever was made into a series that never took off …

  8. Did you read the book? If not I can send it you or you can get a copy it is INCREDIBLE really one of the best books I have ever, ever read. I will definitely watch. Shall also check out Levy. LOVE your recommendations thank you my friend

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