Entrance by default

Maybe it’s time to stop wearing

a dead woman’s perfume

find my own

smell

be my own

woman

I met her when I was 11

looked up to her in that tinkering way

I have continually become besotted

with older women

those who knew more than I

all the secret clubs they belonged to

giving me entrance by default

knock, knock, admittance, change your coat

alter your mind, don another mask

take a turn at the carousel, the diamond

cut of your eyes as you churn out living

into the willing mouths of babes

go on lap it up …

drink yourself into thinking you’re not you

comfortable with anything but

your own skin

the smell of your life clinging to my escape

like a day old glass of wine

just drinkable, a little bitter

redolent in mid-day sun

as soft as fur

I think I’m old enough

to be myself now

which means

your smell

in that white bottle

that I can only buy in rare perfume shops

because it was long ago discontined

much as it reminds me

of being a young girl

trying to understand why

she had feelings for older women

(that were definitely not about seeking a mother)

those days are over

I’m old enough now to have had

my own children

and while I still

have a thing for older women

I’m not going to smell of you

and the memories

anymore

17 thoughts on “Entrance by default

  1. This is such a strong poem with a revelation in it that’s even stronger.

    “drink yourself into thinking you’re not you

    comfortable with anything but

    your own skin

    the smell of your life clinging to my escape

    like a day old glass of wine

    just drinkable, a little bitter

    redolent in mid-day sun”

    The above lines are the meat of the poem for me. This is flawless.

  2. When a time comes to put away a childish thing, does it being precious make it more important to do? Very likely, but also not to forget, so save that last white bottle to look at, to hold at certain times. That girl still lives within.

  3. I so get that link with a perfume & a particular person & time in your life… a Body Shop vanilla oil triggers me, as does some expensive Japanese designer perfume (my first girlfriend’s signature scent)- isn’t smell amazing? 🙏🏼

  4. You are absolutely welcome! I wanted to thank you, as your piece reminded me that blogging is more than occasionally screaming into the void, but is just as important is to listen. There are voices worth hearing and letting them know they are heard. I heard you, you my friend.

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