I said no and you said yes
The first time was before I can remember
adults do not have dominion over children’s souls
but that’s what happens when you touch a child and cause her to be unwhole
the second time was in nursery school so I suppose your foray of my body had begun
as I emulated what was done
in the back of a toy caravan with my pretend boyfriend and he liked it a lot
made me feel dirty though, I did not know what that meant at the time
seeded a doubt in the core of my person, like a rod of copper slowly turning green
the third time I lay face down on a dirty carpet and three boys played marbles across my back
they got the idea from a porno mag their father hadn’t hidden very well
and their kid sister watched from the doorway, and I told her with my eyes, go to your room or you will be next
I said no and you said yes
it became as normal as something bad can be, I wanted to see her, so I had to cross the gauntlet and you were the gatekeeper
nobody believes you when it is easier to disbelieve and go on thinking respectable people don’t lie
you taught me to hate games shows as they were our background noise
and grandma would come in laughing and I’d see the guilt in her eyes
sacrifice the daughter, sacrifice the child, sweep the dirt underneath the bruises of generations
at nine I fell in love for the first time with a boy who wiggled above me but he of all, respected my desire to be unmolested and we hung upside down from the monkey puzzle tree holding hands
I said no and you said yes
James Brown was your name like the singer, and you didn’t take no for an answer
you climbed my bunk bed and pulled down your pants and if the door bell hadn’t rung you would have got your way
I wonder who came after me and if they were saved by the bell?
I said no and you said yes
yes yes yes you know you want this
no no no I really don’t
but you asked for it, you tempted me, you flirted, you caused me to have a hard-on, this is YOUR FAULT
I kissed a boy in the garages outside school and it felt dirty and wrong because it reminded me of what others had done
before I made decisions of my own
I said no and you said yes
I felt guilty about touching myself because of the Jahovah witnesses and the Mormons and the teacher who stapled my confession together and said we won’t talk of it
when I tried to tell her, this is what happened to me
and you didn’t feel guilty about playing yatzee and karatee on your father’s bed with the nylon sheets and the little bobbles they made when you made a tent and put your fingers in
and you didn’t feel badly when you lied and said you would only touch and instead you went too far and before I knew you were pinning me against a table
I said no and you said yes
children who are violated don’t always know what’s best for them
they are broken and they are scattered and they are stomped on and they hate how they look when the light is on
but they want to fit in and they want to be normal and sometimes in trying they get it all wrong
the neighbor told my parents; your little girl is using bad words and teaching my boys how to curse
and I said fucking hell what does it matter?
but it did, it mattered a lot, to stay in the confine of childhood and not grow up
because growing up meant it was real and you had to deal with it and whilst you were a child
nobody believed it could happen anyway so you could pretend it did not
I said no and you said yes
yes yes yes I know you want to
no no no I really don’t
and my second boyfriend said he wouldn’t go too far
but he did and he did and he did
and I ran through the streets holding myself up and I shouted to the trees that had fallen because of the high wind
why do people pretend? because I didn’t understand and it was a language impenetrable
but I was not … impenetrable
I was just a place of conquer
I wanted to find a lock and keep myself closed
but they kept battering down the door one after the other
because patterns are sometimes all we have to show
for the cycle of abuse
I said no and you said yes
the last time was in a public street
dragged off and soon the roads diminished and the woods were thick
he moved like a silver fish cutting his way into my secrets
I lay staring at the knife
he told me, I won’t cut you if you are nice
I was very, very nice
no no no
yes yes yes
the policeman said; I have to ask, it’s my job, did you want to have sex with this homeless man?
and I pulled up my torn skirt and my ripped hose and my shredded blouse and my dismembered bra and my bloody underwear and I said
if you can even ask that question
you will not recognize justice if it comes
no no no
I said no and you said yes
the last time and the first time and all the rest
when children become girls, become women, become less
than the worth that is owed them
yes yes yes !
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