Tag: #dysfunction
Nothing of me
She stands in the doorway
The outline of her slim shoulders
The hallway light seems peachy
She is home and without her
Home will be a strange wasteland
Where survivors cling to wreckage
Watching for her shape every night
The smell of her still on tortoiseshell hairbrush
Why didn’t she need it when she left?
How did she choose what to take and what to leave?
The only choice I was certain of
..
I was not under consideration
That need, to not need
Suffocating on duty and then
Deciding to toss it into waste bin
Along with other chains
I have carried as my own brand of perfume
She who gave me life, wanted life without me
Always did, from the first day they placed me in her arms
And she thought … oh no
…
It isn’t her fault
Love never arrived
But I am left alive
Yearning to matter, knowing I never will
It is a bigger part of me than I care to usually admit
A voice in the dark always crying for Mommy
A word I haven’t used, I know not
I thought I’d grow up and get over it
But wherever you go, there you are
In my case, a kid whose mom didn’t want
…
I’m still looking at doorways
Watching for her tread
In other’s faces, a memory yet
Even as I grow older than she was
When she squeezed her heart
And despite the shared DNA
Found it held
Nothing of me
Addict
I am an addict
an addict who
never takes too much
nevertheless I am addicted
in ways that are unproven or run
thin white scars shiny and tight
like crossed legs try not to uncross
I am addicted to you
I am addicted to the feeling
of being high
it’s easy when you feel like you’re dying
to reach for a bottle, a pipe, a rolled paper, anything
to take away the crime
of hurting without cause
or so it appears
to the callous world who say
get a grip for fucks sake
you are pathetic
oh yes you feel you are
lying beneath them after swallowing too much
of their blow back
see, we’re two different species
the addict and the non addicted
the latter wake up and see
they are not nailed to a cross
their fingers are not blistered and torn
rent by iron and blood
stretching in the morning sun
going for a jog
balance over balance over balance
supple minds malleable bodies
for the addict who plunges
into abyss there is nothing powerful enough to resist
everything
take a pin stab yourself
if it helps do it again
take a person cut your neck
if it helps do it again
take a lover, slice them in two
keep the half that won’t leave you
the addict only knows how to chase
the feeling of relief
blinded by the agony
of seeing
themselves without skin
TheFeatheredSleep 