It isn’t my weft to self torture
but on occasion, often bidden by
emotions tumbling from rusted cage
I try to restrain them
overtaking my control
then, you are there
in the sunlight streaming through paper blinds
hurting my eyes so that all but a whiteness
is felt behind closed eyes
the unceasing wetness of tears
cause my skin to feel chaffed
even in summer
you would think eventually
they would dry up, but they never do
just as you would think I’d stop
remembering so accutely or
longing so intensely for
things near and far away and closed
as to not exist
except in my urging of them
the you, that you were
confident, slick, arrogant
I have never liked arrogance
but behind it
a soul and a heart
I wished to conquer with my own
urge gentleness out of you
like impatient bird who cries
before it is morning
I often feel, if I allow it
that I was created for you
and despite this
you threw me away
because I could not survive, or pay my way in the world
if I did what you asked
you did not care about that
but only, what you would receive
and though I remember the light in your eyes
dimming and your kisses growing
less in intensity
there are days I wish only
to touch the moments
that for me, were happiest of my life
whether that is absurd or downright
sick
it really doesn’t matter anymore
now we are lost in time and space
spinning away from the other
more and more, with every passing moment
and that hurts as if it were a fresh wound
though it is old and many times healed over
that healing is a lie
because I am never okay
without you and this you knew
when you left, it was to take
the part of me I loved best and
the capture of my heart
the days afterward were
inconsequential even though I tried
to bring meaning back, it was as if
color and sound had fled
only the flowers I bought you
linger in my mind
their lovely pink and the way
flowers must always die
just as
time kills
but does not destroy
the original love
or its resulting
pain
I do not want to spend
more years sitting at tables alone
watching my tears grow cold as
the light captures me in a moment
of you
and how you were
when you didn’t yet know
you would always leave me
the radiance of your smile
still lights my heart
followed by a pain
knowing
that version of you
shall never exist again
that love for me is now
grown over and neglected
by irrevocable doors closing
we did not know, would sabotage
something as true
as the feeling
of us
I still believe if you’d
searched your soul you
would not have let go
for life gives us few
if any
perfect
memories
too often we remain
eternally haunted by
totems to
that absence
Was I too ancient?
