Had you asked me
To embrace the idea of dying, before allotted time
I’d have said, no savage emotion, ever led me that far
It was as if
I skated every so often, on thin ice of sadness
Without being absorbed, to its fathomless hollow
In that singular experience, I was far luckier
Than those who see only darkness
I had claimed my own piece of light
From a family legacy hell bent on repeating, the same shrouded walk.
From the start I altered trajectory, a mix of stubbornness and fear
For some will be proud of where they came, their strong willed ancestral history
And others … wish it wasn’t so … spend their lives trying to be anything else
I tried so hard, skin chaffed from my fingers, plucking my own way.
So you can imagine the depth of grief, felt reaching that same temporal state
Of wishing to ease the stir of life, by death’s permanent wick.
Often it is not the same course
Brings you to a well travelled place
But the last thing you’d expect
A sudden illness, like a thimble that lets in needle
As sharply she infiltrates your well being
Until hollow cheeked you are wretched, begging for end
On that day it so happened
The sky was the kind of blue dreams are made of
Emptied leaves reached up to embrace the rays
Newly returned birds called full throated to the world
And sitting with a desire to die, and place pain forever gone
I felt the sun on my face, heard the russle of last year’s leaves
My fatigue whispered, do it now!
And I did not listen
Because I truly wanted
To stay sitting in the sun
Another day more
