Into water

There was grief in the last time I was myself

long-faced, retroussé nose, thick hair

broad shouldered from swimming away

cutting through water, weightless

not carrying your stare, your aprobation, your disregard

if ignored, let us ignore better, make an art of failure

suck the pipe, squeeze the last drop, inject, pop

those blue pills, as blue as you made me feel

psychiatry says nobody can make you feel anything

you choose

did you choose to feel nothing and by nothing

cause my center to crush softly inward

like the river flowers we press in our books

before you were born

carried over generation from generation

I laid in the grass wondering why

no lover had sought to please me

and the boughs of the trees revealed themselves

as my hand wandered back and forth

drenched in sweat

for who can satisfy a tin box with its lid hammered shut

who can know the heart of a girl who is told before she can walk

she isn’t enough, she’ll never be near sufficient

then you walked out of the river

green and shining like forested afterbirth

you did not care about forms and structure

spelling and photographic reproduction

you had a tongue and eyes and hands

like a thought with action

you claimed me beneath alders and pine

stretching so high, embracing unseen faith

I became a woman that day

crying out beneath your stones and mud and lillies

as white as an urge

with pink in the center

craving to crest in sun

and fall wilted back into water

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Safe ascent

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This unspoiled place

holds a silence and a sound both

in the careen of wild bird, dove-tailing against light

swish tailed-fox, caught in glimpsing treeline, scar of russet

your wool pulled and caught like thoughts on wire

I felt you inside, like mercury, descending to places I’d locked

tight against battering fists and claim

how did you learn the maze and possess

parts of me I had yet to give permission?

though all of us are like the wool, caught and fluttering

against a world of happen-chance and calamity

it is only perhaps, in those untethered moments

love, unexplained by all things

captures in unguarded step

drowning tightly held belief

we are our own master

and in this yield

in your arms and the void calling overhead

a vast sky holds swell of rain

just long enough

for our safe ascent

Where uncertainty cannot

Her need

To be held

Close against her wet neck

The taste of summer and leather seats

Tears and well played songs

Her perfume and the laundry smell of clothes

A bird repeats its protesting caw

Sprinklers intermittent

They lie wrapped around the other

Glistening lizards on stucco

Her thighs are muscular

Beads of persperation

And a haunted look in her eyes

Like a car crash playing on repeat

She wants to touch her deeper

Than tragedy can reach

All the way beneath her skin

Where uncertainty cannot dictate and only then

Head flung back and nimble neck stretched

She lets out a cry

Catching the top of trees

Like unexpected summer breeze

So far from fear

For a time, it is forgotten

Ode to absentia

I have written enough about you to fill a slim volume

or maybe two ships

set sail for one of the countries you visit

sending me letters in the day, with marks and fingerprints from all around the world

they would smell

like you, even as that was impossible

and I prepared, as nobody ever can

for the day I would lose you

why not, you ask, appreciate the now, when you are here on earth?

I have, though, we have never spent our lives together or even entwined

I have been saying goodbye all these years

yet it will not be sufficient, it could never be enough

you are more of me, than myself

and I feel you inside even though you are not here now, and gone in the future

loving you has felt like continual loss and little gain

yet I do, more than anything else, for you are that kite, unmoored itself and got away

the thought that comes creeping up as you laugh, as if I had a twin, and yes, she was the one who grew in courage, living full in ways I knew only from books

you have the lifeline of twenty palms and though you could not be a mother, you have always inspired me, like the character from a favorite story

reaching near and never touching, someone marvelous and unable to approach

I live sometimes with my eyes seeing through yours

the waves of your life nearing but never reaching, shore

at some point there will be a day when you are not simply absent and not around the corner

but further then, impossible to mend, hands of time, spent longing

it may be my song to want and not receive, the beauty that is you, and your life as it cleaves

further away, until from a great distance I cannot distinquish, squinting until my eyes hurt and run

I would if I could, but I never have, and I won’t

it is the theatre of our lives to play out

my role is that of thirsty

yours to make ordinary seem

extrodinary

you are the giver of dreams

I shall always wish

for one more day where I see

your figure coming closer through the dusk

perhaps to stay a while, even if we do not touch

I long, in layers, not to lose, what I have, not.

As only truth will

For I have never

Touched you

Nor looked keenly into your eyes

Where flecks of gold reside

I have not

Made a circle of my arms

Nor placed your hand against my skin

In whispering we tell the bond, far and long

You reached me before, I knew to look

Like coming back from a journey

There you were, the one I always needed

Familiar and apart

In the courage of your determining

You are a whirlwind

You are energy and life made electric

You stir even the dry river, full

Bringing with you

The power of you

As redolent and unapologetic as

Only truth will

Unbreakable

The riot

Began on a quiet night

She slipped out of her skin

Swam in silver

Becoming a thing without need of heat or pulse

And blooming beneath the waves

Briefly recalled

The lost heartbeat and its mercurial wont

To fall in love, to feel and dance

Sweating and electric

Swaying like sea creature become used to land

The breathless longing and great pain

For if, you cast off your humanity

You may lose more than the disturbance of life

The very knocking against your chest

A thunder, a pain, a joy

That supplicate and clenched urge

Sometimes silently played out on the watchful flicker

Of hands casting over and over

Some semblance of longing, unbreakable

The others heartbeat

Make as you will

A figure from paper

Layer each breath

Run glue until it shines

Keep all strength in

Let no part be feeble

Save us in our design

Fortify the bow, the stern and sides

Carve meaning in ancient symbol

Burn black, secret incantation

Deeper than dermis

Throw stones to guide direction

Light fires on shoreline and

Whisper to your proud, paper children

That your heart goes with them

As setting sail

Receeding into

Marmelade sun

You feel the undoing of the papier maiche ambelical chord

Ivory notes forming beneath weight of ocean

If they could speak

An ache as long and needed, turning flute to mother’s cry

Marveling that she survive

When separate, she and her child 

Like dancers at opposite stage end

Feel through the soles of their feet

The others heartbeat