it’s understanding you’re going to have to try ten times harder
just to stand and be counted
and even then
you may wish
not to be counted
because perversity
is the twin
of sadness
she breaks you into shards
snickering as you
flail to put things back
It’s very difficult to write
when you are depressed
when you know depression
isn’t something you can push through
like your MFA teacher bid
one night when you contemplated
cutting your wrists with broken pottery
almost on a lark when hearing; try to work smarter!
desperation surging unbidden
fast and dark like unfiltered coffee
always leaves its gritty mark
on the ennui of fileted souls.
(This is for all those who were ever shamed for being depressed and having depressive symptoms, for feeling they were ‘less than’ because they could not function seamlessly as others appeared to. I see you. You are counted).
BUT YOU DON’T LOOK SICK: THE REAL LIFE ADVENTURES OF FIBRO BITCHES, LUPUS WARRIORS, AND OTHER SUPER HEROES BATTLING INVISIBLE ILLNESS
AND
THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS: REFLECTING ON MADNESS AND CHAOS WITHIN
Indie Blu(e) Publishing is thrilled to announce that we will be starting off 2021 with sister anthologies, But You Don’t Look Sick: The Real Life Adventures of Fibro Bitches, Lupus Warriors, and other Super Heroes Battling Invisible Illness AND Through The Looking Glass: Reflecting on Madness and Chaos Within.
The focus of But You Don’t Look Sick: The Real Life Adventures of Fibro Bitches, Lupus Warriors, and other Super Heroes Battling Invisible Illness will be on writing and art from those living with a chronic but invisible physical illness or disability, such as fibromyalgia, lupus, multiple sclerosis, cancer, digestive disorders, chronic fatigue syndrome, diabetes, migraine headache, dysautonomia, etc.
The focus of Through The Looking Glass: Reflecting on Madness and Chaos Within will be on writing and art from those who are living, or have struggled with, mental illness such as mood disorders, anxiety disorders, eating disorders, personality disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder, or psychotic Disorders.
Writers and artists are welcome to submit to either, or both, of these anthologies as applicable to your lived experience.
Given the high volume of submissions that we are expecting, we ask you to follow the submission guidelines as closely. If you are submitting to both anthologies, please send your submission in two separate emails. We will begin to review all submissions after January 1, 2021.
Please note that we are not able to offer monetary compensation or free print copies to contributors to these anthologies; however, all contributors will receive a PDF copy of the anthology they are published in. Indie Blu(e) Publishing has prioritized the accessibility of our titles and providing an outlet for artists and writers who might not otherwise get published over profits since we first launched in the fall of 2018. Keeping 400 and 500 page anthologies affordable globally in a pandemic is challenging.
But You Don’t Look Sick: The Real Life Adventures of Fibro Bitches, Lupus Warriors, and other Super Heroes Battling Invisible Illness
Anthology Submission Guidelines
SUBMISSIONS ACCEPTED: December 1, 2020 through December 31, 2020
The maximum number of pieces for submission per writer/artist is six (6).
Writing may include poetry, prose, short fiction, essay, and/or creative nonfiction
Individual pieces of writing should not exceed 1,000 words
Writing should be submitted as a single Word attachment to your submission email. PDFs are the acceptable alternative if you do not have access to Word.
Please use either 12 point Arial or Times Roman font with 1.15 line spacing.
Individual pieces of writing in your Word document should be titled, and separated by Page Breaks (not hard returns). A page break is achieved by using Control+Enter.
Special formatting is strongly discouraged. Bold, italic, and multiple font sizes in a single piece are acceptable.
Please title all attachments starting with your first name,last name.
The exception to this is if you design your submission as a ‘camera ready’ JPG or PNG image that we can import into our publication as we would a photo. In that case, you may use any formatting you wish, but the image must be crisp, 300 DPI, and able to be reproduced clearly in black and white. If in doubt, please contact us at IndieBluSubmissions@gmail.com before submitting. Your ‘camera ready’ writing must be accompanied by the text in a Word (or PDF) version.
Artwork submitted for the Anthology must be crisp, 300 DPI, and able to be reproduced clearly in black and white
You will be notified if your work is accepted. Please do not consider non- acceptance as any diminishment of your experience, but as with any publishing venture, we must try to fit the individual pieces together into a strong whole.
All contributors to the anthology will receive a PDF copy of the finished book
BIOGRAPHY: All submissions must include a professional biography and cannot be adjusted once submitted. Bios should be 75 words or less long and may include your social media links.
You will be contacted directly through your email when your work is safely received for submission. If your work is accepted for the anthology, you will receive an agreement letter that you need to complete fully, sign and return to us within 10 days.
PREVIOUSLY PUBLISHED WORK We will accept previously published work but must have written permission by the previous publisher attached with your submission if they retain rights to your work.
If you own the copyright, your permission and the date and title of the previous publisher must be included at the bottom of your submission.
Through The Looking Glass: Reflecting on Madness and Chaos Within
Anthology Submission Guidelines
SUBMISSIONS ACCEPTED: December 15, 2020 through January 15, 2021
SUBJECT LINE: Through The Looking Glass Submission
SUBMISSION FORMATTING GUIDELINES
The maximum number of pieces for submission per writer/artist is four (4).
Writing may include poetry, prose, short fiction, essay, and/or creative nonfiction
Individual pieces of writing should not exceed 1,000 words
Writing should be submitted as a single Word attachment to your submission email. PDFs are the acceptable alternative if you do not have access to Word.
Please use either 12 point Arial or Times Roman font with 1.15 line spacing.
Individual pieces of writing in your Word document should be titled, and separated by Page Breaks (not hard returns). A page break is achieved by using Control+Enter.
Special formatting is strongly discouraged. Bold, italic, and multiple font sizes in a single piece are acceptable.
Please title all attachments starting with your first name, last name.
The exception to this is if you design your submission as a ‘camera ready’ JPG or PNG image that we can import into our publication as we would a photo. In that case, you may use any formatting you wish, but the image must be crisp, 300 DPI, and able to be reproduced clearly in black and white. If in doubt, please contact us at IndieBluSubmissions@gmail.com before submitting. Your ‘camera ready’ writing must be accompanied by the text in a Word (or PDF) version.
Artwork submitted for the Anthology must be crisp, 300 DPI, and able to be reproduced clearly in black and white
You will be notified if your work is accepted. Please do not consider non- acceptance as any diminishment of your experience, but as with any publishing venture, we must try to fit the individual pieces together into a strong whole.
All contributors to the anthology will receive a PDF copy of the finished book
BIOGRAPHY: All submissions must include a professional biography and cannot be adjusted once submitted. Bios should be 75 words or less long and may include your social media links.
You will be contacted directly through your email when your work is safely received for submission. If your work is accepted for the anthology, you will receive an agreement letter that you need to complete fully, sign and return to us within 10 days.
PREVIOUSLY PUBLISHED WORK We will accept previously published work but must have written permission by the previous publisher attached with your submission if they retain rights to your work.
If you own the copyright, your permission and the date and title of the previous publisher must be included at the bottom of your submission.
Mental Health Awareness Week (this year the focus is body image)
14 YEAR OLD BOYS AREN’T THE GOSPEL
The year we held a Madonna competition I was flat chested
Boys said; Asprins on an ironing board
Girls said; You can’t dance with us
The exclusion felt … hot pink and slimy
I wore black elastic bands on my wrists to hide the snub
The year he asked me out because Zoe had said no
He said; Zoe is taller than you, you look quite SQUAT
He said; Zoe has tanned skin, why do you always BURN
He said; You give good head but it’s a shame you aren’t Zoe
I threw up in the bathroom to hide the shame
The year my best friend taught me how to binge and purge
She said; You’ll soon have a waist as small as mine
She said; When you feel sad put your fingers down your throat
She said; Skinny is the new superpower for girls
I quit dance class because I didn’t have the energy anymore
The year I tried to stop giving a shit
I said; Fuck it. I’m me. I can’t be anything else I WAS BORN THIS WAY
I said; I may never love myself enough but I’m damn well not going to destroy me
I said; Hate the image in the mirror, at least love the inside
I said; Someone will always want to put you down, don’t give them the power
The next year I still didn’t wear bathing suits, I still walked with my shoulders rounded
But I didn’t have raw knuckles and I didn’t survive on the opinion of 14 year old boys
A decade later at an art show we meet again, he’s going bald
He said; You look fantastic. I don’t remember why we broke up
He said; I always thought you were the hottest girl in school
He said; Want to fool around behind this Van Gough?
I quit listening and wished I’d learned not to at 14.
What you think is important then, usually is not.
Try to love who you are. Perfect is an illusion and 14 year old boys aren’t the gospel. We don’t all have to be Zoe.
But a black hole is eating her from the inside out.
The devour has no real description
It defies the usual ones, it has a wider mouth, deeper jaw, longer bite
The thing of it is .. the shame .. that’s the worst part
The little voice which sometimes sounds like your mother and sometimes sounds like every voice that ever said; What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you snap out of it?
Sometimes … a day will be piercingly beautiful … like the most beautiful song you ever heard and every sense will be electrified
And still you will long to fall on the ground sobbing
If they saw you they would ask; What’s wrong? It’s a beautiful day! Why can’t you appreciate life! Are you ungrateful?
And you would nod your head and admit; Yes I must be ungrateful. How else can you explain it?
For those who believe in God, you feel stricken, maybe you feel God is punishing you for some transgression with the black dog who never leaves your side
If he does leave then you know he will return and it is just a false waiting game, a pose of chess pieces with their fates already inscribed
They talk about other things that matter and feel empathy, sympathy
But when someone has a mental disease they are considered weak, inferior, selfish, inadequate
Wherever you go – there you are
Sometimes you wonder why it is you can write so much in November and nothing through July.
As if a giant claw had possessed your feelings and sank its nails deep into your marrow
When you date people you feel as if you should come with a disclaimer;
I may look pretty, I may have qualifications and a clean house, but beneath this surface please note … I am subject to changing and crying when the sun shines for no discernible reason
Sometimes in the middle of a party you want to run away from the crowd and bury your face in the grass out in the forest – feeling more alone than if you were locked underground in a prison cell
Often there is absolutely no way of describing this so you simply do not and that sets you apart as someone who carries a dark feeling without a voice
Occasionally someone will remark on the sadness in your eyes and you will smile as hard as you can to dispel it because it feels like a giant stain that everyone could see
If they cared to
Many times in subtle ways people will show you that they think you are weaker than them in the little methods of selection and choice
Family will condemn you and sharpen the quill when you are down because it is easier to kill a deer when it has fallen
You try to be grateful and you are, but it never seems so in the midst of sadness because sadness will devour any gratitude whole
And lovers will tell you … you’re not even happy to be with me are you? And you want to say, oh yes I am! But the sadness will envelop your voice and they will leave you … disappointed
There isn’t a week of mental illness, there isn’t a day for depression. There are years upon years upon years
And little adverts on TV about “If your current anti-depressant isn’t working considering taking (and paying) for another one to boost it!” Just fill you with impotent rage.
Often, you feel you are not worthy simply because you are depressed, it is a stigma that invades every aspect of your being, you believe you are not worth the same as others because of the darkness you carry around on your back
In the early morning when you lie in bed and the first rays of sun come through your window, you may forget who you are, and decide you are not going to be labeled or given a description, you are going to be
free
and that may last a while until the next time you feel like blowing your brains out
and then it’s the greatest betrayal you ever felt and it seems as if you do it to yourself
Conversely, paradoxically it has come to
Darkling
TheFeatheredSleep 