I knew my invisibility when the lady next to my mother in the nursing ward took me in her arms out of pity for there was nobody there who cared to rock a crying child , who was not wanted by hedonists who erred in pregnancy I knew my invisibility when my mother tucked bus […]
I didn’t trust myself to hold on
when water breached and ice tore, sun burned, voices howled
when corridor echoed with the corrosion of a moment
elegantly stretched like garter made of guts, long and silent in worship
yet, there was no stone God to touch, lay our cheeks upon, in salvage, sweeten terror underfoot
nothing left to run together, keep us from the tear in our fabric, rescuing us afloat, over glacier, over sky, over each other and that blemish of life we call, survival
a call of the wild, a girl returning her party dress unworn, with dormant masks of fierce, loose in their bouquet
she’s tired now, of standing in doorways, blending in
she’s been leaning against herself so long, doves catch wind and pursing straight as falling sky mark the way
as a child may confidently point, before he is taught of error, a certitude of birth we lose, in continued correction
but what of the spirit? Wishing never to bend, as hazel makes a good switch and all sting redeems
what of the spring mad hare? Made jubilant despite his age, as pollen of the glory dusts his dance, does he unlearn?
those reprimanded, unwinding in backward spool, the yarn of time, loosens our punching collar and sore confine
pugilistic, we devolve to fetus and climb inside our charm. Wrung with the arms of tomorrow, the depth of spirit knows no ceasement
Once, twice, again, you cannot keep movement still, it begs for the last dance
choose then, remove your wild jig and join the machinists at their task to embroider the world, not with honesty but the pasty aftermath of souls behind glass, mouthing their marching song
or inherit the wind and best the exiled dream, misplacing sense in unchecked delight
There is no limit to what we are. Such is distance and teeming for years shaken, behind a well set trifle, awaiting the party-goer, cold on her white shelf
But touch once, and she’ll melt, with the longing of her frosting
The day had begun before I opened my eyes. Dawn was spread thin out of darkness, running in lines of glimmering color like firebranded children, their woolen fingers gingerly clutching sparklers.
Cold floor, warm sheets, where I lay curled unconscious to the emptiness of waking. Waking without you there, to murmur and move naturally, as if in-utero against me, filling me with wholeness.
Often it is said, we should learn to subsist alone. Need less, want less. Others can only risk hurting us in the long run, be it through death, loss, departure, choice.
I chose you despite this. I chose to make that hurdle from the crumbling edge of the river bank to the other side, thinking it impossible. Still I jumped, sailing through the air, seeing my legs missing my mark, reaching further, beyond what was possible. Catching the other side in my fingertips and pulling up, out of failure.
They all said, all those who become ‘they,’ the disapproving, the know-it-alls, the omnipotence, they all said, you shouldn’t take the risk.
It was a bare insult. They all done it, and survived, but the rules were different when it came to me. It was as if I were a child, a child incapable of her own making, bound to their divinity board, with the scalpel sharp against my pieces.
For all who were ‘they’ it was clear, ‘they’ didn’t know me. I was never a child who listened well enough, I was too high up in the tree limbs to hear when they scolded and found my mud stained shoes thrown off.
For the girl with different rules, without rule, there was only the instinct followed by the outcome. I leapt across and I watched myself, clear the jump and claim you. Inspite of it all.
Now you are gone, and I can fit into their net of told-you-so’s at long last. I am the emptied woman. The one who sleeps until the very last moment in a vain attempt to quench consciousness.
You will not return. It is not your way to change your mind. As it was not my way to alter my trajectory, coming like a star out of darkness, pinned on you.
What a fool, they will say. What a mistake, they will cluck. And I will spin my hair into clouds and ruise, above the words, the noise.
I am reminded of the saying, better to have tried than not at all. It doesn’t apply in this world I live. It does apply to me because I only know how to try, not how to win.
I am not a good American girl. I stood in the sidelines, I did not have the competition burning in my throat. I did not want to cheer.
But I am a good American traveler. At night I reach as far as my celestial body will carry me, into the caves of others, searching for you.
Yes I have not given up. I know you will be there eventually and I will witness it. The moment you discover, I didn’t stop looking.
When two lie so close the heartbeat of one becomes the other and beneath them both stirs, a symphony, how can they separate?
Do you think death will have the claim to take you far away and never again let me beside you? This is false. I am stronger than death. I have love.
You may be cold now, you may be afraid, but I am on my way, I will travel no matter the cost, it will take time, but I will find you.