She always knew she was a girl
by the way older women treated her
their higher standards expected
than if she were a boy
for boys … could climb trees and expose their underwear
while she was scolded and told not to be ‘a little harlot’
boys came barreling in full of spunk and fury
exhibiting their mirth with muddy feet
to ladies who smiled indulgently and patted their
ruffled heads
glancing over at her, with disapproving eyes
and a tut of the chin which said; “I hope you are not
going to track that mud into the kitchen and if you do
be prepared to clean it up. What kind of girl climbs
trees and gets herself full of dirt?”
The unspoken and the spoken
those days she sought sympathy when her heart
felt like bursting
responses varying from; “maybe you didn’t ‘try hard
enough, you should apply yourself next time” to “don’t
go on about your problems so much, we all have problems
you are not the only one!” While they fretted and discussed
the poor boy whose horrible girlfriend left him
how grief stricken he was afterward, they could do nothing
it was so hard to watch
not difficult at all to watch her fall
almost amusing
almost delightful
female expectations a bar far too high
even for a gymnast
whilst boys ran beneath it
in spastic freedom
from the quiet exceptionalism of their gender
through the eyes of a woman
she learned early on
to keep her thoughts and wishes to herself
for each vulnerability would be handled roughly
turned against her like a shard of glass
piercing deep
she learned, to do for herself as the boys
were fed, dressed, coveted, admired, flattered
and grew fat and indulgent on it
rather like farm yard pigs
she grew strong in that way pain lends
a thin weed
trying to survive by the side of a busy road
filled with fumes and cars belching their poison
yet she knew if she wanted to survive
she could not walk along that road
by herself, taking short cut
through fields, because that’s where
women were raped
among thorny bushes, hands reaching out
grasping for them, hungry and snarling
she was told it was her fault if she
succumbed and her fault if she died from
fighting them off and her fault if she was
there when she shouldn’t have been
but nobody said it was their fault
or asked them to explain
why after being fed, clothed, petted and cossetted
by women
they chose
to make women their victim
no, that nobody had an answer for
maybe if they did, they would say
women did this to them, poor dears
it’s not the fault of a man! He was spoilt
and that’s a woman’s fault! She didn’t
teach him correctly, he had no choice!
And all the women who gave her
cross looks when she came in with her knees
scuffed from climbing a wall or when she ran
ungainly across the lawn and they chided her
for being ‘unladylike’
smiled at the fattened calf and said
“oh my daughter would be so lucky
to marry a man like him! If only she
tried, a little harder.”