The nadir of naught

It’s very difficult to write

when you are depressed

when you know depression

isn’t fleeting

isn’t because something happened

but the same as

a piece of string

will get affixed to tree limbs sometimes

and despite all effort

not be able to get

free

O

I envy (you’re not supposed to envy, but I do)

those without this malady

the world would call them stronger

they may blush slightly and say

aw shucks it’s a lottery isn’t it?

I could be just as glum as you if

my dog died, if my car broke down

and in those instances I want

so much to say

nononono

that’s not it

at all

it’s crying on your wedding day

from pain not joy

it’s feeling strong at a funeral because

the wires in your head don’t fire right

it’s understanding you’re going to have to try ten times harder

just to stand and be counted

and even then

you may wish

not to be counted

because perversity

is the twin

of sadness

she breaks you into shards

snickering as you

flail to put things back

It’s very difficult to write

when you are depressed

when you know depression

isn’t something you can push through

like your MFA teacher bid

one night when you contemplated

cutting your wrists with broken pottery

almost on a lark when hearing; try to work smarter!

desperation surging unbidden

fast and dark like unfiltered coffee

always leaves its gritty mark

on the ennui of fileted souls.

(This is for all those who were ever shamed for being depressed and having depressive symptoms, for feeling they were ‘less than’ because they could not function seamlessly as others appeared to. I see you. You are counted).

We weep with everything but tears

photo of woman wearing nude one piece swimsuit
Photo by Jo Kassis on Pexels.com

Go in good faith

down that charred road

where holy mist

cusps day in feathered glove

the porcelain eyes of hills pay obedience to mauve cloud

trees taller than sound break through

smudges of dream wave in memoriam,  shuttering day

and O

je ne sais pas aimer sans toi. Je ne sais pas comment me passer de toi.

We speak in furled tongues our inner most thoughts

leaving confessionals on mossy rocks and the lay of light rain

full with sleep, the direction lost in tug of war with blackening ice

they slip beneath against hush of snow

covering our tracks with blanched fingers of ice.

We weep with everything but tears.

 

The surface

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Play the chord

fingers synchronized with musical word

if it could music would

speak her ache and exchange seats

pass the parcel

good children canceling upbringing

she was told early in life

click your heals, come what may

stomach flu for those who try

cucumber eaters reward the beguiled

not everything hot seeks to be mild

she has shorn her hair

she had snipped her tinny heart

a changing in need of firm foothold

women flock together

temptation to condemn grows bold

she wants to say

do not condemn her

because she reminds you of a hated sister

or provoked in her fist toward the sky

some outcry

the cantor of what ifs

rich healed but poor in charity

make do with petitions nobody reads

can you eat paper?

served empty stomachs before bed

you liked her for the very things that tried to kill

a blue jay lands in her hair

she is beholden of magic in mosaic hour

nobody talks to the lax or those who having lived say

i am tired do not stone me for my wish to sleep

they tell us to wake refreshed and give thanks for every day

as the woman with tumors can attest

we never know our last act

but she is unappreciative according to modern science

she has only felt horror in the divulge

show me purpose in this false world she cries

show me meaning on the flat tyres of transport

choking concrete eyelids

she never spoke her own language

she spoke through bandages

swaddling true message

could it be for some this world is too much?

the refuge of the underneath bewitching

thronging temptation far across water

she smells just like your childhood girlfriend

capturing applies in her cotton frock

go back through time

give your place to another

let them pluck the skinned chord

tune the piano with violent glove

close audience’s raptor with honest stare

beyond them and the sweating lights

disrobing in darkness

stirs

a familiar urging retreat

come

bow your striped head

step away in foil

take your now

it is all right

to seek to let go

and skip

senseless below

the surface