Reach in


Patricia, before fame

Played for keeps.

Competition was her muse

She wrote her first book

Won the acalades she sought

Changed her face in surgeons chair

And still

In the pages of her, I read quiet despair

A pervasive loneliness in loose leafed characters

They screamed on her behalf, when she could only

Type help.

And
You, today, walking, lost

With large red dog 

And small foot tattoo

You had the same shape

An edge to your corners, as sharp as spite

A quietude and a silence, sadness set firm in your eyes.

I wanted to ask

Why?

Or reveal what I already knew 

In just having met, the corners and the distance

No match for feeling, across tow path

And into that personal space, where you laid your sorrow out

I smiled a great smile

Thinking …

Can a smile impart a hundred thoughts?

You passed, and the wetness of your loss

Felt like brief rain on my arm

Two strangers and a dog

It was as if it hadn’t happened

Yet

You reminded me so much of Patricia

And her emptiness, written throughout each story

You see … we recognize each other

As much as for who we are not, as our similarities

Strange bedfellows of perverse and solitary, mearly trying to tred water.

If I’d spoken more, I would have asked;

Do you walk through the high grass to see the butterflies?

Do you feel the sun before it gets too hot?

Will we walk in the same direction and in time perhaps …

Talk of how we came to choose, empty steps, over laughter

You never know

They could be everything, or perpetual stranger

A moment, and no more

Or the rest of your life.

Instead of pulling away, if you reached into them

Like leaves blown, will fall, one on top, one below

A path of many 

Creating singular

Direction.

The melancholy of her smile

freja-beha-erichsen3The film

shows her opening the door

stepping out

thin ankles short skirt

she’s not young but she’s got youth

on tap and wisdom to match

she makes you fall to your knees

just because she looks a second too long

in your direction

even if you didn’t smooth down your hair

shave your legs, flash your eyes

she might glance your way

with that confidence and that fragility

an impossible combination

like she was built out of the refugees

of love

hurt lying like a lover in her eyes

pinpricks of suffering alluring in the way

she survives herself and the demons

dancing rosy around her

you like how she holds on and almost falls

the spindle of her spine

strongest are the small ones

you want to take her in your arms

switch on the radio and listen in the dark

she’ll dance beneath your skin

she’s a drug she’s not perfect she’s the one

who keeps you awake thinking

if you could just reach her

inhabit the melancholy of her smile

before she winked out like a song you hum

without knowing its name

Greater solace

651d3294ace9c6e46b0b18587904b847

There you are

picture yourself

standing in a vacated room

the walls are nondescript

from the window comes a little wan sun

hardly enough for warmth

you pull yourself closer

recalling how as a child

sitting on old iron radiators in winter

they’d say you’d develop hemorrhoids

in those days

the sound of scuffed shoes running for class bell

figuring you had a few moments yet

to stare out at brick and cement

stretch out reverie

a voice inside your head

surely this isn’t all there is?

you made a pact with yourself

to get the hell out

whatever it took

gathering your books

mindful of their ticket

you forgot yourself in dream

walking past the classroom

after all

learning is better in the mind

than grind of chalk on board

some boy kicking you in the back

with sweaty socks

you knew even then

this was but a stepping stone

though if asked you couldn’t say

what of the grim facade urged you most

to escape

 

and now

all these years later

more alone than that day

when covered by childhoods vigor

and the smell of something better

just around the corner

hope has been sore in her visits

silence too often your friend

as we fall one by one out of the egg carton

we are without wings

without safety harnesses

all the others found places

in busy lives, babies, families, jobs

the weave and knot of life

whilst you stood watching out of the window

glimmering

expecting to fly

 

now in shallow rooms

artifice has left her scent

they tell you the last one has passed over

you feel it in the curve of your chest

no more hands to scoop you back

from your leaning motion to find

somewhere to breathe

where trees are ever green

sunlight full on face

obscuring all trace of bleak homes

terraced and hollow

where you can hear the flush of

neighbors loud toilet

piercing cry of another

born into fitful times

where you never understood

your own role

just the fallacy of drowning sorrows

sundays in the bar

knocking back glasses of regret

nothing could spur you faster

toward wide open space where

no trace of sorrowful city remained

 

and wherever you go

there you are

still back against the wall

still with the locked door

school girl tights bunched in your mouth

hearing muffled voices

discussing your inability to speak

how long can you hold your tongue girl?

before the need to scream

unfurled

and in one howl you swallow yourself

all the disappointment

all the lost chances

breaking through cloud

fast diminishing in oboe sky

open the storeroom of your mind

clear out those long stored hurts

preserved in obscura

 

you may feel you have nothing

but in the sundering fall of flight

we find again our urge

never to quite escape

perhaps more a reinterpretation

carrying on no more alone than before

for we are born crying in singular pitch

in each step grow further to our end

it is in the humility of knowing this

we find our greater

solace

Seven years


Seven years I let myself formulate excuses

not to return

and on the eighth

guilt had made her way into my closed heart

laying a light ribbon on the frayed part

 

going back was like being reborn

as yourself and not yourself at all

I walked familiar streets, spoke similar words

accent hardly altered

as if no time had passed

and so they said

you look exactly the same

though they were changed and I were changed

all altered irrevocably with time worn stain

as if glass no longer could be relied upon

to give accurately our real prescription

even friends were foreign handed

or I no longer of that land

left behind when things were too sad

I sealed the bottle and set adrift

seven years of absence builds

many barnacles to anyone’s vision

when the damned see the truth

the liars remove their seaweed masks

curtsy finely and pronounce

we did our part

exit stage left

standing on warm boards of the theater of pretend

where dance and energy has dissipated

into cloven wings

hear me now

shadows of my past

the girl with the big smile

her perfect fine figured mouth

and matching dragon tooth skirt

as if we dressed together in the darkness

of one another

except she is a mother and

I have a cut-out womb ebbing in formaldyade

don’t worry I feel no pain now

some of us are bearly hanging on

what good would a child of weakness

bring the sorrow further inland?

I miss her

like I write letters in wax to myself

those over easy days we knew who we were

or felt … some approximation of reality

good enough for then

when she looked at me

unequal teeth smiling and needing

how did the splinter drive that deeply?

wedge like sword between this time and before?

we know nothing of the other

as a blue bottle

cast on green and yellow water

will wait

seven years

to reach shore

when I climbed out and dusted myself off

she was gone

her footprints erased from the sand

nobody recognized me

only the echoes of an angry sea

calling me back to exile

whispering

you do not belong here 

and the white cliffs looked relieved

when I flew overhead

my heart aching with loss

the cheer of relief

like a season

changing from golden red to

brown

Echoing back

 

40ce96627e2a59381507324cc14e8c38She has gone down with the light

into deepest water

where frozen the eyes denied

see murkily through specter

she has gone down because you deemed her

unforgiven

and all your entreaties and kindnesses

were sunken lies

all the time you waited

like the brown recluse

sits watchful

beneath porch steps

for the unwise

she has gone down because you needed her capsize

to stick the thorn deep and watch her bleed

for those who dare to live inspite of you must pay the price

we are nothing if not accurate

in our thread and release

the arrow

a light airy sound

blistering cloud

cutting through

pierces its mark

and she must sink beneath the waves of your wrath

to ensure justice in an unjust world

that is your closure

as you put away

the disturbance of her

and feel relief

to rid yourself of your reflection

echoing back through the trees

Mile High

solar-impulse-plane-circumnavigates-globe-without-single-drop-of-fuel-21The ex footballer tried

to fit his huge frame into the tiny chair

in the cramped plane made for small people

of which he was not one

with his sagging musculature of college sport

he dreamed of when he sprinted hot faced

and glorious on football field with the roar of

the crowd warming his back like midday sun

how far we come, how fast we lose

that energy of youth

the ex footballer mused

pinch of metal seat digging into

his oft knocked, sore knees

when she

much older behind her fragile

wrists, perhaps enough to be

his reluctant mother

if her breasts were full of milk

and her loins birthed him still

as big as he was

as small as she is

sat next to him and folded up her skinny legs

like the free pretzels given by bossomy air

waitress

though I think they go by another name

everything so politically correct these days

he told her he worked for a New England company

checking roads and longed one day to

escape the cubicle and regain his former glory days

to run until his breath labored and chest burned

with the fervor of a free man

why he was so candid surprised them both

her eyes full and dark locked on his words

and he could see how fine her cheekbones looked

with the flash flash of the de-icer cutting across wing

little windows facing out into cold skies

how long do you think it will be? he asked

meaning many more things than plane schedules

do you have a destination?

neither could answer with any sense of certainty

she pushed her shoulders into his and he

devoured her smallness with his bulk

underneath the blankets when overhead lights dimmed

people turned, sighed and fidgeted in darkness

he found her passage and she his sorrow

they moved together like dark wind pushed the plane

ever forward into the future

drowned out by constant surge of motor

his climax covered by engine cry

when you do not see each other, is it real?

or dream fitful against rushing skies

neon lights clicked on and wrinkles were

ironed hastily out of slouched dreamers

she left without hand luggage

an old lady of eighty asked him to carry hers

he lost the color of her hair in disembarking crowd

blurring with sleeplessness

swallowed her whole

her smell on his fingers and rumpled clothes

his hotel room cold and empty with styrofoam cups

empty of warmth

holding her movement behind his eyes

finally sleep took him down

loose limbed and missing

something of the dance they created

lost in time and space

sailing above the clouds