With whom

ddddWhen I was bulimic

I could not hold down words

when I was an alcoholic

I drank standing by the stainless steel sink

pretending it was cough syrup

when I was an addict

blue pills became my muse

when I was a smoker

I pulled blue smoke into my lungs

spoke in hacking tongues

when I was starving

I pressed against you until struck back

vanquishing my urge with your violence

bending dominion, sating hunger

a lion taking his share, leaving bones

to gnaw through wrong moments

when I was empty I found nowhere to fill myself

though I tried sex, drugs and other recreation

drizzling against fastened door in outline of shame

when I was used

I let myself become a purse with an open mouth

when I was alive I did not feel alive

when I was dying I knew

how much time I had wasted

thinking of when

rather than why

and with whom

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52 thoughts on “With whom

  1. Nicely put, I looked up bulimic it’s a new word I learnt πŸ™‚ thank you. Also, if the above is your story I hope now that you know, you will know what and how to pass your moments. Keep smiling and spreading positivity. Love, Durga

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I respect what you have written- this is why I take time to write something.Today your writings have touched a chord deep down- I will ponder long! Thank you…

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Humble indeed. Thank you for your responses- sincerely appreciated.I am thankful that I may read as you are led to write.

        Like

  3. I remember my eating disorder, anorexia, to be hungry but dismiss it because I wanted thinness so badly. The emotions were fierce and my bathroom scale dictated my daily feelings, it was never good enough, of course, and the feelings of devastation were endless. Dealing with that illness is difficult to understand, for when I was overweight I used to think “why don’t these people just eat?” Just not that simple. I’ve semi-recovered. Your poem has me reflecting on those years, and that was in my late ’50’s. Can happen to anyone.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The emotions are fierce when you are in such a malestrom aren’t they? It’s all about not feeling good enough, all of it, you’re so right. It isn’t that simple. I am glad you are semi-recovered and I wish you always peace and re

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Need to catch up with one of my favorite writers. πŸ™‚
    “…when I was alive I did not feel alive
    when I was dying I knew
    how much time I had wasted
    thinking of when
    rather than why
    and with whom”…these last lines resonate, so true.
    Hope life has been treating you well my friend ღ

    Like

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