I lied and the lie was more honest than the truth
I’m not bitter I said
and it rolled off my tongue like peppermint lip gloss
I’m not bitter about anything
my nails digging deep into my palm do not
give me away
my grotesque sham
remember that ardent denials are always the ones
keeping disgraced secrets in over-size boxes
those who protest the loudest
usually guilt-ridden
I was guilty of detesting myself
and wearing too much make-up to show my artifice
I was guilty of saying I felt nothing
when it crawled up my neck like a necklace of shame
branding me queen of fibs
you see, it’s easier to be a boy
you can talk dirty, masturbate on trains, act like an asshole
and forgiveness will find you Joel
but a girl is supposed to be on a higher plain
we’re not expected to be so filthy minded or prone
to indolence
one mistake and you’re out
easier to call a girl a slut
than a boy the equivalent
what is the equivalent?
I regretted the day I chose you over the others
we unfolded our crosses and plugged ourselves in
you gauged me most likely to say yes to sin
enshrining stereotypes with the spit of scorned teens
I’m not bitter I said
if you choose her over me I understand
she’s got nice tits and a pretty strong right-hand
tormenting slanted Hannya masks coo
making faces, eating my scabs as they formed their tasty crust
give up your delusion Juno
as a girl your time of freedom is half as much
so bitter I spent so long on my knees sucking you off
again childish hope it would sate spilt outcome
pouring out of black taxis in crotchless hose
did I hesitate when I heard the echo of the earthbound train?
shaking myself free of girdles and suppositories
did the short-lived titilator
licking his plumaged groin
leave cleaner finger prints?
grinding into each other
purgered halves
reckless in gyration
rejoice
I’m not bitter I said
I just want to kick in your fucking head
lay on top the carnage, a maraschino cherry
well masticated and raw
a girl’s muscular jaw
opening to grudgingly reveal
her true Noh expression
of horror and humor
TheFeatheredSleep 